What Matters

It's amazing how one bite of quality chocolate can immediately bring joy to the heart! (And it's amazing how one bite of Hershey's can provide an opposite reaction...)

It's amazing how one word from a loved one can impact your day tremendously. And likewise, one word from a doctor.

And it's amazing how one decision of grace before the creation of the world brought us the perfect and exact redemption we needed- even with His knowing that we would not even be inclined to search for Him. (Merry Christmas!)

And as I thought about something TINY changing a person's life in an instant, I thought about the big picture of life, AND the little things that seemingly 'threaten' to change it. I found myself fighting the urge to think...
"I know the Lord wants me to be involved in church planting!! So what could get in the way of that?!"

But that is a false reality. What's true is that He asks us to follow Him and be involved in what He is involved in. What's not true is that we can confidently determine how that will play out in our lives.

It doesn't matter where I end up, If I make it to PNG and help plant and disciple a church.

What matters is "am I being His daughter faithfully and fully today, and each day?"

Why does it feel easier to surrender my life as a whole to Him, but more difficult still to freely offer Him this little detail and that little detail?

When will I stop being concerned about my own kingdom and become undividedly enamored with His?

A Heritage

Earlier this week, a group of older ladies and veteran missionary ladies called me their "heritage."

I'll say, I was a bit humbled by the idea. If they look on me and feel proud in any way, how much more, they must realize, I look on them with pride, gratitude, and amazement! 

These are ladies that have spent their lives serving as missionaries- and as wives and mothers at the same time, as I will be. Others of them have met together faithfully for 30 years to pray for missionaries around the world. 

It is humbling to recognize their perspective. They see a young person stepping up to do what they gave their lives for. To me that is nothing for my honor. Rather, it proves God's faithfulness, for I am the one who sees how He sustained these ladies over years and years of challenging ministry and circumstances. The same God who called them is the One who also called me. And He is faithful, unchanging in His nature.

This statement about me being their "heritage" caused me to look at my personal ministry to my children in a fresh way. You see, moving overseas does not in any way change my role as a parent. In fact, the roles He has created and designed me for remain constant no matter my circumstances. It is well put by author Christine Hoover of "The Church Planting Wife":

"I am first of all a disciple (of Christ), second a wife, third a mother, and after that comes ministry in my community."

The first and most important role, as a disciple of my Lord, will flow directly into the other roles/areas of my life. So the thought about "heritage" becomes this question for me: what kind of life am I living and leading- and modeling for my children? What am I demonstrating to them is worth living and dying for?" And as an 'end' result- my children are my heritage. What will that look like years from now? This sure brings meaning and purpose to the day-in and day-out of motherhood.

Practice

Did I have a brief panicky moment when we checked in at the airport a couple weeks ago? Oh yes!! 

For just a second my brain skipped ahead to July, and I could 'feel' the mystery of leaving all that's familiar behind for several years. In that moment, I thought "yikes. I don't think I want ANYone coming to the airport with us that day. I'd like to invite a stranger off the streets to drive us to the airport, tell us to quit the crying, and speed away hurriedly. :)

Ok so we all know that won't happen. It's difficult to face some of these realities though...

Another 'practice' we recently experienced was attending and helping with a dinner for some friends who are moving overseas in just 2 more months. It was overwhelming to witness the love and support of the body of Christ coming around these friends. Seeing them being sent out! 

Also interesting was seeing their crates that they built. And the small amount of belongings that are prepared to be squeezed into them. 

These are all upcoming realities for us. I'm thankful for the opportunity to experience them a bit in advance. To process, and to see what works well and what maybe we'd do differently.

I have seen The Lord work this way in my life for years and years now! He has a way of subtly equipping me and preparing my heart for things that are to come. Often I don't recognize it until it is hindsight. But I've never known Him to lead me into anything blindly. If I feel blind, it's because I'm not looking at Him!

Lord, keep my eyes always looking to You- for today, for what is coming, and for what has passed, that I may find infinitely more reasons to praise Your Name and Your faithfulness.

"My heart says of You, "Seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek." -Ps. 27.8

Full Speed Ahead!

Yes, this is an EXTREMELY flattering picture of me!! Be jealous.

But really, I guess that is how this year is feeling! Trying to keep my eyes open and holding on tight as life twists and turns and climbs and drops... and like Space Mountain, taking moments RIGHT in the midst of the craziness to gaze at the beautiful stars! (They really make it pretty in there, if you think to look and enjoy it!) (and yes, I cropped out my dear father- he looked rather ill... hehe)

So He is reminding me to stop and gaze at Him in the midst of this crazy year.

We just enjoyed a lovely family trip to Disneyland, courtesy of the grandparents. :) They are making some great memories with us, and with my brother and his wife, and especially with their grand-daughters before we move overseas next year. 

I met a gal in Colorado a few weeks ago who was a missionary in Europe for several years. She expressed to me that she very much understands how challenging that year before you move overseas is, with transitions and goodbyes and such. And this is what she told me:

"Don't just survive these months. Learn to live well in them!"

I'd say that's definitely my goal now- to not merely 'get through', but to live well in these times, to enjoy and savor (as I've said before), and to keep making memories that I can carry with me when we are gone. 

I think it's a great challenge for all of us. Are we living in survival mode (like my picture indicates above)? Or are we willing to stop and gaze at His Face (for surely He is with us!) in the midst of it all?

Stopping to enjoy some beauty :)

Enroute!

"Enroute" is just a label!

Why does someone else telling me my 'status' cause my heart to flip and my hands to shake?

working on our packing list...
with our coffee of course :)

After all, I've known for some time now that we are heading to PNG. But for some reason, having our status changed from "In transition" (as we finished our training) to "Enroute" was an overwhelming slice of reality today.

The activities of our days are very much geared toward our departure now. Yesterday I found some stainless steel mixing bowls at a thrift store that will be a part of my kitchen in the tribe (goodbye Pyrex!). And today we spent several hours working on our packing list. And making further plans for the Christmas 'fundraiser' dinner we are doing next month.

I almost feel like I'm kicking myself out of my life! Haha! :) (Confused laugh...)

It is absolutely mind-boggling to try and wrap my brain around this. How does one move overseas? How does one pack for that? How does one prepare for that? Someone explain this to me please!

There are elements that make my heart sad. But there are elements that cause my heart great excitement!

The question that rings in my heart and mind OVER and OVER and OVER again each day is one that was asked by someone a few months ago:

"How do you stay focused on the task at hand when there is pain inside?!"

I'm not putting my answer out there at this time. But I will say that with each heartache I encounter, I find unexplainable and inexpressible joy that swallows it up. No, I am not saying that Jesus brushes off our pain. Far from it! But what I am saying is that in the midst of our pain, He Himself is our Joy... even when that means that He is the shoulder on which our tears fall on. I am also saying that walking in Him is more than worth it- for He brings joy to living and breathing... I have no other purpose! And lastly, I am additionally saying that being involved in this incredible mission of His- to bring souls from darkness into His Light? What tremendous JOY!! Lord, please let me be a part!! 

I feel as Paul did in 1 Timothy 1.12: "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that He considered me faithful, appointing me to His service." He goes on to talk about the wonder of Christ using Him in spite of the sinner that He was/is. I couldn't agree more... it is continually amazing to me that He would consider using me, for I am such a selfish, self-pleasing, self-indulging, prideful individual. 

But He uses cracked, broken, weak vessels to display HIS glory, not our own. So may He use me, and use me to the fullest! ... oh and He also promises to complete the work He has begun in us until the day of Christ Jesus. So I hope that as I continue walking in Him that He will continue conforming me to the image of Christ. I would selfishly enjoy being less selfish. (See? What a problem.... hehe)

Running Solo

Do you ever feel like you are running solo?

Actually, one of the reasons I joined track in high school was that it WAS a solo sport, dependent on personal motivation, personal dedication, with personal goals!

In fact, much of my life has been a 'solo run'...As a little girl,  I was the only girl on my toss-ball team (they told me to go home and play with my Barbies... until I ran faster than all of them! Ha!). I also chose to play the trumpet in 5th grade when all the other girls chose the flute or the clarinet. :) From 6th grade on, I grew very interested in the Lord, and felt like "the only one" of those around me who was running after Him. As a teenager, I felt very alone in my emotional and mental struggles. After 11th grade I flew solo to Florida for my first 8-week mission trip. I did this again after I graduated high school. And then I moved to Oregon to attend Bible school, and didn't know anyone except for one other guy from our church who attended the same year I did (oh yes, he's now my husband of 7.5 years... hehe). I would frequently run the beach or the indoor track solo. I'd walk the beach solo, just myself and the Lord (and His precious Word!).


It's been 10 years since I moved to Oregon, and in that time He has changed my perspective on this whole 'running thing', and given me various running partners.

First of all, He has taught me that life in Him is not meant to be lived alone. It's not a solo effort! As believers, we are a part of the Body of Christ, and we are meant to work together, function together, rejoice together, weep together, gather together, etc....!

Next, He blessed me with a believing husband. A husband is a most unique kind of running partner. A kind of relationship that is unmatched by any other relationship. But perhaps the most interesting aspect to me of this marriage relationship is that it is very much dependent on a different relationship: my relationship with the Lord, and his relationship with the Lord. If our individual relationships with the Lord are crumbling, it causes crumbling effects in our marriage relationship. And consequently, either of us can feel as though we are still running this race alone when we are not drawing from Christ, our spring of Living Water.

After high school, I continued running, and began working on building up distance/endurance. In September 2011 I was asked to run a 5k with a friend on Thanksgiving (My first 5k. I'd always been a sprinter. Never needed that skill after high school, haha!). I began training alone, along a beautiful-looking (yes, actually quite nasty) lake in the Missouri Ozarks. See, one thing I've ALWAYS cherished about running alone is all the time I gain to talk and think with the Lord! Thanksgiving morning came, and I found myself at the starting line with not one but two other ladies. Made me kind of nervous to have company!

But running that 5k, and doing it alongside sisters in Christ, was inspiring to me. How else do you learn that your sister is desperately thirsty? How could you give her water if you had no idea of her need? And how could you encourage your sister to make it to the next lamp-post if you were not running by her side? How would you even know she was tired in her race?

That spring, I had the joy of training with another friend for my first half marathon (a goal of mine since graduating high school). The hours (upon hours) we spent running together, 3x a week, gave us SO many opportunities to get to know each other, to share our joys and our burdens, to enjoy His creation, and simply to run together! And you know something? The whole thing about 'your pace is right if you can carry on a conversation'? It's true. Not just in running, but in life. Sometimes it's difficult to try and talk, as your body goes in and out of the "runner's high". But you feel freedom and joy in those times when you realize you've been running for several miles but you can talk with little effort! There is a season for both. :) The key is not to get overwhelmed and call it quits in the difficult moments.

So now... (oh come on, you must've known this was bound to get serious at some point)... :)
I am nearly finished with my Linguistic write-up, and all that stands between us and Papua New Guinea is 9 short months (and loads of paperwork) (and packing) (and vaccinations) (and more goodbyes). Yes, MORE goodbyes... I had to say one of my most difficult ones last week. And in January I will say my second tremendously difficult one. These are my long-term running partners! What is a runner to do without her running partners for several years at a time? There isn't necessarily an answer. And I know that we are all still running together deeply in spirit! (Amen!) But not too long ago, I had a 'moment' as I was playing the song below by Kari Jobe, "My Everything." You see, I believe firmly that He IS my Everything. He has called me to Himself, and He has compelled me to this task. And I'm THRILLED to be a part! And we are thrilled that our daughters get to partake of it with us as we learn and grow together! I'm glad and gladly willing to go! ("How then will they hear unless someone preaches to them?...") There's nothing in me that wants to stay here and NOT be involved in what His heart beats for! But as I listened to the song, I still found myself struggling... maybe all those years of running solo were a facade, a defense. He has shown me the beauty of fellowship and friendship. How precious it is to sit on the porch with blankets in the darkest hour of the morning with a friend over some (cheap) coffee! How joyful it is to find innovative ways of making a box of mac and cheese (parlez vous microwave?) with a friend. He has shown me that it is ok, and it is good, to love and be loved. 

So I believe that for the first time in my life, as I venture out "solo" again, my heart is in a new place. "What will I do when I feel lonely and feel I'm running solo?" And it as though I hear Him asking, and also hear MY heart asking itself:

Is HE enough for me when I am running solo? Is He really my Everything?

Kari Jobe- "My Everything" --  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxBu2vzLPZA

Every Season

We have lived in the Midwest for the last 4 years. It's been a little wistful to drive away from it today, likely not to return for at least 4 years.

To drive across our country is a treat! Well, some of the states are more of a stale treat, but for the most part it's been special to experience the dramatic landscape He so carefully crafted (and the evidence of an incredibly impactful deluge!). The ocean and mountains in the northwest. The hills. The flatlands. The Rockies. FarmVille- oops, farm country. The Great Lakes and Lake Michigan. The rolling hills of PA. The Ozarks. 

One of the most intriguing things about the Midwest has been the distinct seasons! Hot, humid summers. Glowing colorful autumn- the beauty in death because of the hope of spring. Cold, snowy winters. And the literal bursting forth of the spring! 

For me, I felt like I arrived in Michigan four years ago in the fall. (Well ok, we actually did, but that wasn't the point) it was a change for us, having just stepped out of several years of ministry in Oregon. I knew that as we began diving into His Word that He had some huge plowing to do in my heart and mind. Indeed! As our two years in Michigan progressed, fall turned into winter as He convinced me more and more of my sin, my selfishness, my depravity apart from Him and my complete need for and dependence upon Him. I remember feeling so crushed that I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I was trying to be like Him, but failing all the more! A quote I read in Stanford's Green Letters addressed my problem quite well:  

"The Holy Spirit says, you cannot do it; (make yourself like Him in your strength) just withdraw; come out of it. You have been in the arena, you have been endeavoring, you are a failure, come out and sit down, and as you sit there behold Him, look at Him. Don't try to be like Him, just look at Him. Just be occupied with Him, forget about trying to be like Him. Instead of letting that fill your mind and heart, let Him fill it. Just behold Him, look upon Him through the Word "

It may be an extreme quote, but it helped me to breathe and realize afresh that HE does His work in me. I cannot produce fruit. He produces it in me as I draw into Him. 

So as I 'budded' out of my winter, He gave me such an abundance of springtime joy! Lots of new thinking as we spent the last two years in Missouri. New thinking, new experiences, new preparation for our upcoming 'life', new partners in ministry (in every way!), and new friendships (including a dear one for me!). And above it all He has convinced me over and over simply through who He is- that He is WORTH IT! It is worth the cold, shivering, crumbling season of autumn. It is worth the dry, frozen, seemingly empty deathly season of winter. Because after the rain and snow have pounded deeply into the heart, pure new glorious life bursts forth with such inexpressible joy that could never be experienced without having known the sting of darkness.

By the end of our training in MO, I felt so full, so richly blessed in my heart by Him. He doesn't even have to DO anything, He is enough simply existing as my Savior and my God! And yet He always goes above and beyond. Why does He do this? Why is He THAT good? 

So I've rejoiced greatly in this summer season, so full and bright. :)

Full circle. Which brings me now to autumn again. As we look to the incredible changes that are taking place this year for us, we are living out the elements of this lifestyle that would be the "painful sacrifice" for us. Being brothers and sisters in Christ brings immense joy! But such deep, real relationships cause great pain to leave behind. It really does a number on the heart to soak up moments and memories with loved ones so they can be carried with us as we go. Really, why must pain and joy be in the same pot?! Would a chef ever serve a gourmet soup with poop in it? And yet we read that Jesus endured the cross "considering the joy set before Him"!! Pain and joy seem to be very close siblings. He considered me worth it. Likewise I consider Him worth it. That doesn't make it easier. But it makes it worth it. He is worth it. 

I stood outside a couple days ago with a fleece blanket, admiring the changing leaves with a precious 10-year-old girl. I was remarking on how beautiful it is. When I mentioned that we were really admiring death, it took her by surprise :) We talked about why we can find it so beautiful... Because we have the hope, the promise, of new life in the spring. 

So as I brace myself for this chilly season, and wrap myself in a warm fleece blanket, I can and will (I must!) rejoice in the hope, the promise, of the spring. I must "seek joy in this bittersweet goodbye".

Enjoy Him!! In every season:

http://youtu.be/-dwpdZdvCl8

Walls

As I sit here in our room in Oklahoma eating a banana quite grumpily, I have to laugh at the irony of what I see (as pictured above).

Look at all these "walls" we've put up! Each one is different, and each has a different purpose. But all share a similar end: privacy! Or, escape! "Essss-CA-pe!"

How quick and determined I can be to run and hide behind some kind of wall. Some of my walls of escape are:

-nap time (hey, it reduces my risk of heart ailments!)

-cooking (well who doesn't like food?)

-music (He says to sing, what's the problem?)

-work! (I should be diligent, right?)

Then there are intangible walls. 

Do I have walls from my past, such as old ways of thinking?

Do I have walls that represent what i wish perhaps my life resembled, like the mysterious "mirrors" in the Phantom of the Opera?"

All of these are ways that I try to escape from what is really happening or from who I really am. 

But tonight as I sat here and noticed all of these different walls of refuge and "safety", it struck me how silly they can be. Is there a time and place for hiding behind a wall? Perhaps, yes. Maybe not in the way I often do, though. What does it mean, after all, that He is my refuge, my shelter, my hiding place? What does it mean for me to hide myself in Him? 

What is the manner and means by which I 'hide' in a time of trouble- within or without? 

I believe He would have me continue learning to put down self-protecting walls. I remember seeing the Phantom of the Opera for the first time ( yes I have seen the musical, but here I actually mean the movie). I couldn't help but cry at the end as the "phantom" realized for the first time some simple truths about himself and about the world- and his response was to completely shatter the mirrors (the 'walls') that had been his livelihood, his reality, and his safety. It reminded me of when The Lord freed me of my despair and taught me Truths about Himself, about myself, about life, and about the world. In essence, i felt i had shattered my own mirrors/walls and begun to live in the freedom of Christ in me!

Here is a song that captures the thought well:

http://youtu.be/BFUHrXfuNU4

How to Savor

The Lord has blessed us each with things and people that we love tremendously!

One of those things for me is a handsome plate of pasta! When it comes to food, our common thought about savoring is: take a bite, close thine eyes, and enjoy all the flavors and textures as you chew. Slowly. Naya learned about savoring food last summer. :)

Naya loves to 'savor' her food :)

but when pasta and I come face to face, I have to admit that my idea of savoring it is to show it respect by gobbling it up as fast as possible, as if the plate contained one terribly long al dente noodle drowned in heavenly sauce and parmigiano reggiano :) mmmmmmm! ...and yes, I am aware of my future relationship with canned "Parmesan", as I recently discussed with a friend. :)

I am also pretty good at savoring gift cards. Too good actually, as my husband can attest to. I am so happy to have a gift card that I will rarely spend one in its entirety. I just don't want it to be gone! So I find myself with a silly stack of gift cards, some from years ago, that have varying amounts remaining on them. 

But on a grander scale comes the issue of people. Friends, family. How do we savor the time we have with people, especially when that time draws short? I feel that I've jumped to both extremes as pictured above. 

At times I've been so preoccupied with an 'event' or tried to enjoy so many people at once that I've missed out on making memories with ANY of them! 

At other times, I've been so aware that I won't always have them that it's kept me from truly enjoying the time I do have with them.

Both of those tendencies have caused me to NOT savor.

So is there a 'best' way to savor people or things?

One thing I know is that savoring involves appreciating. I believe we learn to appreciate things or people as they naturally are, not in fabricated ways. I think for me, getting ready to leave a lot behind, I've been doing a lot more of this kind of appreciating. I enjoy sitting or standing off to the side, just listening to voices and laughter. Observing smiles. Watching people interact. And praying that somehow I will remember the faces and voices (and the flavor of parm. regg...) while I'm gone. :) (I forget these things terribly fast!)

But at the same time, I know it's important that I involve myself in some of these memories. So sometimes I will eat a favorite food. Or do something I really enjoy. Or interact purposefully with a fellow human being. :)

And sometimes yes, I just close my eyes and "chew" very slowly and thank Him for every piece that He's put together for me. :)

Fallbacks

Learning another language is exciting!! Well, it is to me, anyway. 

But there is an element to it here in my home country that makes it infinitely easier and tremendously less embarrassing: I can fallback at any time on the English language! 

As I asked my Cherokee language helper repeatedly, "can you say that again?" And "what is this?" And described scenarios about people 'doing' various activities so she could say the phrase in Cherokee, I realized how easy I have it now. When we learn a tribal language, we will have no fallback on English. 

Having fallbacks is a blessing I undoubtedly take for granted! In our country, we always have options, even when things go downhill. For just about anything!

Need some groceries I forgot or ran out of? I can run to the store any time.

Too hot outside? I have air conditioning (praise The Lord!)!

Have a medical problem arise? I can easily get to the doctor or hospital!

Need help with ____? I can call on any number of people. 

Too tired to cook? Frozen premade meals or "let's go out!"

Want to get away? Family or friends are around to babysit! Not to mention the many arenas of entertainment available to us!

The interesting thing for my heart and mind to process is the upcoming reality is not having ANY of those fallbacks. I'm thankful for the training and equipping we've received, which has helped us simulate and process some of these realities. We've learned about what to do when illness or injury happens. We've practiced a few weeks of cooking everything from scratch and shopping once for that time. 

But practice or not, it comes down to my heart, my attitude. The apostle Paul talked about learning to be content in any and every situation. That doesn't mean I need to deny that a situation is difficult or frightening. But what is my reaction and my response? 

I wonder, am I reacting like a child who trusts her Father? Or like an out-of-control pony who just got stung in the bum by a bee?

Lord, teach my heart to be content!

Beginning Signs

The other day I went to a department store with a couple good friends. I followed them around for awhile, through the women's clothes, the fitness clothes, the children's clothes, the home section, the kitchen section, the shoes... Finally I realized how silly I felt! Why? I'm in a weird spot right now. Transitioning to move overseas within a year, no home to cook in or 'make my own', no need for additional clothes since we will leave most of them behind anyway... So I wandered off a bit by myself and thought about all of it.

It feels both lonely and exciting to be in this transitional phase. And now we have some friends who have arrived in PNG and are passing on their detailed insights about clothes, household items, and daily living.

As one of the first ways to make our house in PNG our home, I've taken the advice of other missionary ladies who are in PNG and am going to make some curtains! It was fun picking out the fabric with Noe the other day. 

Holding the fabric and envisioning it in our home was perhaps the first slice of reality (other than filling out paperwork) that we really are doing this!

Additionally, as we sorted through the belongings we brought back to Seattle from Missouri this summer, we found some items at a thrift store to take with us overseas. Things that will go into our house in the tribe! Such as a stovetop waffle iron ( yes my husband loves waffles. And my kids. Guess i do too!). A stainless steel French press. A stovetop popcorn maker (did I mention that we will have a stove? Won't be the dark ages thankfully!). And I've just recently acquired a milk frother wand (oh yes, priorities... A woman needs her espresso!) (or maybe it's because we are from Seattle?).

Noe also just found me a heavy duty storage tub for my homeschool materials. 

Anyway, it becomes more real each day as we step closer and closer to this huge life change!

Piles and Puddles

Shortly after arriving in Oklahoma last weekend, Jocie developed a decent fever. Before she fell asleep that night, she threw up. All over both hers and her sister's bed. I cleaned her up and made a pile of all the affected sheets, blankets, and clothes. As she stood shaking and crying, suddenly she peed down her legs and was standing in a puddle. :( then as I was cleaning her again, suddenly she screamed that she needed to poop. Oh dear. So I ran her to the bathroom (in time thankfully). It was just one thing after another! Finally got her washed and in bed. Until 2:30 when she threw up again and the next pile of soiled laundry began. Poor thing.

But I was just talking with a friend last week about how "strange" and difficult it can seem that the various troubles in our lives pile up rapidly on top of one another until we are tempted to feel overwhelmed. Well and let's face it, often we are overwhelmed! (That is a good time to have a solid Rock on which to stand!) For her, it was months of her children facing various illnesses and concerns, and vehicle troubles, and near-conflicts with their home, etc. 

But it seems in my life that there will be a season of seeming quiet, peace, rest. Then I will wake up one morning and find something out of place. By the end of that "day" (season) there are many things gone wrong. Why does it have to be this way, I wonder? I feel like one obstacle is enough at a time. Why must I have several?

Interestingly, I found myself reacting to poor Jocie's string of events with smiles. Maybe smiles of disbelief... But still, my heart felt happy for some reason. My face was not smiling, because who likes cleaning up (and smelling) (and having your clothes and hair and freshly painted fingernails smelling) vomit? And pee? And who likes seeing their child so miserable and crying and filthy? It is not a pretty picture.

There is no joy in circumstances like that. But there is ALWAYS joy in the heart that is captivated by Jesus. Do we always experience that joy? No. :( but He says that if we remain/abide in Him, we will know the fullness of His joy.

I think this was a moment that I chose to be in Him and so my heart had gladness in spite of the pile of odious laundry and the puddle of pee.

I wish I would always respond this way. But I find myself giving in so easily to my feelings and expectations. I hear The Lord asking me, "When will you stop allowing your circumstances to shape you?"

I think I need a different kind of pile to look at when the painful or difficult experiences of life begin to pile up. The Israelites built an altar of remembrance to The Lord and placed memorial stones in the Jordan. They looked at these "piles" and remembered that God had always been with them and always been faithful. Maybe I can have my own. Maybe I need a little mini rock pile in front of my kitchen sink or somewhere I will see it often to remember His faithfulness and His presence. :)

Little Friends

This sweet letter was written to my daughter by a darling girl who is living in a tribe! My husband visited this tribe last month and brought home the letter.

It is really encouraging to consider the relationships that missionary kids can have with one another ( even beginning at such a young age!). 

We were also excited that last week, a friend of mine approached me saying, "My kids would really like to be pen pals with yours. What do you think?"

What do I think?! I can't help but be overjoyed at the Lord's provision of friendship and encouragement for my kiddos! Not only can they have friendships overseas, but also with loved ones back in the States.

I've been enjoying reading a book called Third Culture Kids, which discusses many of the elements of life for childen who spends significant time in a country and culture not their own. Benefits and challenges of such a lifestyle. And this issue of friendship is one of them. It may be very difficult for them to say countless goodbyes and move in and out of communities and cultures frequently. But the benefit of having friends around he globe may be significant to their hearts as well!

I do hope that my kids will have plenty of friends to stay in touch with around the globe. But NO sticker clubs! Haha! Ok, does anyone else remember those? And chain letters? Ok...

Adore-ment

My husband is back from his trip to PNG! How good it is to have him home! :)

The day after he came home, we got to enjoy a few pictures, and he surprised us all with some gifts he had picked up in PNG. You can see from the pictures- he brought traditional ladies' shirts for myself and the girls. I will be wearing this type of shirt when we live in PNG. It's optional for the girls. :)

He also brought the girls and I some beautiful necklaces and bracelets, and some earrings for me. He is so thoughtful! Looks like I went on a vacation with him to Hawaii or something... ;)

But he also showed me lots more pictures and videos later from his trip. Some of these were recordings of missionary ladies who are currently living out in the tribe, passing on some advice and hints for the rest of us about jungle living. :) ... tips for what kinds of kitchen appliances and basics to have/not have, AND ways to make our home special/homey.

We will have freedom to choose how we want our tribal house to be. (Just like anyone in the states... we can make our homes extravagant, simple, or anywhere in between. Or hippie.) We can spend a lot of our resources, time, and energy on having a comfortable, decorated home. On the flip-side, we can spend a lot of our resources, time, and energy merely surviving each day because we've chosen to have a very primitive home.

And trust me, over the years in training, having heard many, many missionaries and visited many, many of their blogs/websites, we have seen these choices ranging all over the board.

But one commonality that the missionaries Noe got to meet with had to say was this- don't neglect to bring a few little things here and there to make your home YOURS- to make it cozy/homey. Especially thinking of your children! Put a few pictures up. Make pretty curtains. Paint the walls in their bedrooms. For you- have a few things that you enjoy, such as candles or decorations. Bring birthday and other 'party' decorations for the year(s).

And one lady in particular stressed the importance of adorning yourself nicely for your husband! Have some bracelets, some necklaces. Do your hair! Even paint your face for a special occasion! (Oh, she didn't mention this, but I would say shaving legs would be a bonus...) It can be tempting to become complacent and give absolutely no time to looking nice for him. After all, I'll be in the middle of a jungle. Who cares what I look like, right? Wrong! Doesn't a wife want to be adored by her husband? So perhaps if I'm willing to adorn myself, even just a little bit, for him to enjoy... that way I am someone who can BE adored (and that way he will hopefully remember he did not in fact marry a cave-woman).

So I've decided that I will call these little things ADORE-ments. Both the things I choose to wear, and the little things I choose to put in our home.

I should ask myself more often- *Am I being adore-able?*

Brooms

I love me a good broom.

I've been under the notion that it was just myself, my husband, and my children going overseas... that I wouldn't be able to take any friends with me. Well, I realized the other day that I was very mistaken. For as the Lord, and those who know me, can testify- the 'ordinary' kitchen broom is one of my dearest friends and will most certainly be accompanying me to the jungle!

I will probably have two or three. One for my kitchen. And another one that I might very well snuggle with in bed. And maybe a third tucked away for that inevitable moment when I break the first (and second) one.

Oh-- did you think I was going to break it by sweeping the floor? :)

The other day, a friend of ours who is also heading toward the jungle shared her own spider-killing method. It involved violently throwing a magazine down on top of the beast, followed by attacking the magazine with a sandal, followed by squishing the entire concoction down through the floorboards with "long tongs" and 'asking someone else to check the carcass in the morning'. :) Highly amusing, yes! But right up my alley!

I just may have to decorate the broom I take with creativity and perhaps a calming Scripture verse... or maybe a verse about how God will one day break and shatter the teeth and bones of the wicked (see, a motivational, emboldening verse!).

Anyway, the broom also reminds me of how the daily routine can seem so incredibly mundane at times. Granted, for me, I haven't had much routine these last few years. But daily chores and housekeeping and child-wiping and discipline and...and...and... can certainly feel wearisome and thankless. I especially think of all my friends who don't have continual transitions like I do. As you walk His path for you of being a wife and mother, you are given the opportunity to be completely faithful to Him in your very important work.

Another friend of mine wrote this inspiring word just the other day:

The hardest part about being a stay at home Mama is the monotony of doing the same thing every day, knowing my work will not be evident for very long at all, and then strumming up the inspiration to do it all over again. The best part is I work with three of my favorite people in the whole world!

I hope we can all encourage one another toward love and good deeds, as He Himself encourages us to do in His Word! Maybe each time we pick up our broom we can think of and pray for one another. Maybe I will write your names on my broom handle. :) And whatever horrid creature is at the other end of that broom... may I always be faithful to Him in keeping my home to be glorifying to His Name.

The Grief of My Joys

My heart has been heavy today. That may be because of my realization that I'm becoming an emotional nutcase.

My sentiments about these next months of "last's" is getting to me. If you have ever moved from a place, you know what I am talking about.

However, not only am I preparing to move from a place, but I am preparing to move into a very different lifestyle. And not only that, but a rather harsh reality for me is that we are preparing to be gone for 4 years at a time. My children bring this to life for me, as well as other children I know and love. They will all grow and develop and mature and change tremendously. There will be life experiences in these years that I will have to observe from a distance. And for my own children, the opportunities to do various things at the age they are now is ending. When we return, they will be four years older and very different individuals with different interests.

Last Christmas, my close girlfriend flew up to Seattle to visit me. When I saw her I couldn't keep the tears back. It was because I love her dearly, yes. But it was also one of the first moments that I began to realize that the time is drawing short for visits.

The last few months have grown more difficult in that respect. You wouldn't know it outwardly, but in my heart, each time I meet with a friend, or take my kids to a play date, or visit a fun place we love... My heart both rejoices in the goodness of The Lord, and grieves a little for what will be changing.

As I enjoy this week relaxing in a beautiful place, I keep trying to push out the reality that I probably will not sit here again for several years. And I will be very different then. And so will my husband, and my children. My parents will have changed. Our friends will have experienced much. And all the precious children will be growing...too fast.

So what does a woman ask of her God when her heart is so fragile? What do YOU ask of your God when your heart aches?

I know He would have me rejoice in His unchanging presence. And find contentment in each moment He has so generously gifted me its. And I know His heart would also provide an embrace, for He does not push aside grief. Opening your heart to love and know and be real also opens your heart to the pain that accompanies it.

May I be joyful, content, teachable, real, and embraceable in the grief of my joys. :)

Frazzled?

Well, the white flag is up!

As much as I have tried to deny it and as strong as I have attempted to be, I am more convinced than ever now of a couple things:

1) single parenting is very difficult

3) God is very wise in His design for marriage and family.

(No, there is not a typo above... It's simply a representation of my frazzled-ness and a tribute to every female that feels or has felt frazzled with me!)

So what do I mean by 'frazzled'? I'm not really talking about the daily grind. Dressing the girls, cooking, cleaning, picking up toys, facilitating nap times, homeschooling, other household duties, etc... What I AM talking about is the interactions. The way my kids respond to me changes when their daddy is not home. I have to wonder why this is- if my husband and I are parenting with the same heart, the same goals, and like-mindedness, shouldn't our girls respond to me just as they do when he is in the room? And yet, I find this not to be the case.

So I find myself feeling frazzled and overwhelmed at times. A bit helpless. 

But you know what? I 'hear' the Lord asking me, "So who are you looking toward to raise your children? Are you looking to your husband? (Or to your own strength and abilities?) Or are you looking to Me?" 

There will be so many times in PNG when Noe will be out doing various things, especially if/when he spends time building our house. Or if he goes on survey trips. Or if he goes out with other men on hunting trips or whatnot. I can learn now how to be better prepared for this. Will I let Him meet me and teach me in my moments of feeling frazzled and overwhelmed? Or will I let those moments swallow me?

So in closing:
7) In my own strength I am only as good as "super-me!" (bahaha!) But in the strength of my faithful God, we can not only survive but we can do well together!

 ...and a bit of flexibility and random-ness never hurt either ;)

"It's Just life"

Today my husband flew to Papua New Guinea!

He'll be there for about a month, traveling around visiting different regions and seeing works in progress and meeting all sorts of 'co-laborers' in this incredible task that lies before us.

In some ways it feels like a really big deal that he is in PNG! In a way, this is the first step toward when we move there in just 1 year. (!) Moving to PNG feels frightening sometimes... it will be completely different than anything we've known here in the USA. The climate, the way of life, the people, the food, the friends... culture shock! As much as we can try and prepare ourselves for it, it is one of those things in life that we just CAN not and WILL not understand until we are in the midst of it.

At the same time, as I looked in the mirror yesterday feeling a bit anxious about this huge transition that lies ahead of us, I had a very different thought: "It's just life!" I told myself. After all, the person that I am will not change, no matter what side of the ocean I am living on. The woman He has designed me to be will be the same. My joys and my struggles will carry on when I live there. On a practical side, I will live under a roof with 4 walls. I will cook. I will clean. I will homeschool my children. I will visit neighbors. I will send and receive mail (hopefully... sometimes... ). I will miss people. I will kill spiders (yes I will.). I will spend time with the Lord. I will laugh. I will cry. I will drink lots of coffee.

Many things will be the same, just surrounded by a different set of outward circumstances.

Of course, our goal for living there will be very purposeful. And that will not be the same. At all. But in the background, my life may actually look somewhat similar to how it does here in the states. (It just may take a lot longer to accomplish simple tasks!) (Ok, and maybe there won't be a grocery store nearby or a doctor...)

But I can sleep well as I anticipate it all, because Jesus INCLUDED in His Great Commission- "I am with you always, even to the end of the age." He 'tacked that on there' with such great wisdom and care. He knew I would be tempted to ask Him that very question- "If I go, will You be with me?"

"Child, you don't even have to ask."

Boxes

For the last five years, BOXES have been our best friend. We have moved from Oregon to Washington, Washington to Michigan, Michigan to Missouri, and most recently from Missouri to Seattle.

All of our belongings are in BOXES. (Or, as Brian Regan would say, "Boxen".) So what do I do with all of our 'boxen'? I packed them so carefully, considering what was worth bringing back to Seattle and what was liberating to give away. But after our 213th (not really) road trip across the country, it was enough for us just to unload the boxes into our parents' houses, where I'm sure they are enjoying their now home decor. (Hey, pallets are in according to Pinterest, aren't they? What's the problem?!)

I have hardly been able to look at the boxes for multiple reasons.

1. We grew close to a family in Missouri which make my heart not want to even look at the boxes- perhaps my heart hopes that I'll wake up from a dream and be sitting in their home again sipping coffee... if only I don't touch the boxes!
2. It is so much work! (no explanation necessary)
3. It feels rather unimportant. That's probably just my selfishness.
4. Most importantly, I simply DON'T KNOW what to do with our stuff! 

In 13 months, we hope to be on a plane, on our way to PNG. But HOW do I process all of our belongings- what to take with us to PNG, what to distribute to family/friends, what to sell, what to give away, and what we need during this year.

This simple phrase (I DON'T KNOW) is the story of my life right now.

It is difficult to live in I-don't-know-ville. But I do know that He has a plan, and He has my heart. I desire to walk this road day by day. But I also know that things (big things, like ordering a refrigerator and solar panels and a couple years of homeschool curriculum and supplies I can't get in PNG and packing a crate of our stuff that we won't open for a couple years and ... and... and...) DO need to get done.

Lord, You have my heart. And I will search for Yours. Jesus, take my life and lead me on.