The Grief of My Joys

My heart has been heavy today. That may be because of my realization that I'm becoming an emotional nutcase.

My sentiments about these next months of "last's" is getting to me. If you have ever moved from a place, you know what I am talking about.

However, not only am I preparing to move from a place, but I am preparing to move into a very different lifestyle. And not only that, but a rather harsh reality for me is that we are preparing to be gone for 4 years at a time. My children bring this to life for me, as well as other children I know and love. They will all grow and develop and mature and change tremendously. There will be life experiences in these years that I will have to observe from a distance. And for my own children, the opportunities to do various things at the age they are now is ending. When we return, they will be four years older and very different individuals with different interests.

Last Christmas, my close girlfriend flew up to Seattle to visit me. When I saw her I couldn't keep the tears back. It was because I love her dearly, yes. But it was also one of the first moments that I began to realize that the time is drawing short for visits.

The last few months have grown more difficult in that respect. You wouldn't know it outwardly, but in my heart, each time I meet with a friend, or take my kids to a play date, or visit a fun place we love... My heart both rejoices in the goodness of The Lord, and grieves a little for what will be changing.

As I enjoy this week relaxing in a beautiful place, I keep trying to push out the reality that I probably will not sit here again for several years. And I will be very different then. And so will my husband, and my children. My parents will have changed. Our friends will have experienced much. And all the precious children will be growing...too fast.

So what does a woman ask of her God when her heart is so fragile? What do YOU ask of your God when your heart aches?

I know He would have me rejoice in His unchanging presence. And find contentment in each moment He has so generously gifted me its. And I know His heart would also provide an embrace, for He does not push aside grief. Opening your heart to love and know and be real also opens your heart to the pain that accompanies it.

May I be joyful, content, teachable, real, and embraceable in the grief of my joys. :)