A Tigak sister in Christ sat with me after church yesterday, and together we marveled at God's tremendous grace toward us. How in the midst of our sin and our brokenness was the exact, purposeful moment He chose to save us.
How incredibly freeing, that Jesus didn't ask me to clean up my act before saving me.
Likewise, He did not ask me to clean up my act before USING me. He didn't require me to 'get all my ducks in a row' and attain to some measure of perfection, and THEN He would be able to use me. Rather, He took me in my brokenness and delighted in me! That just blows me away.
Don't misunderstand me, there was work to be done first! In high school, I sat in my English class, knowing wholeheartedly that I wanted nothing in this life but to be a part of His mission, to tell those who had never heard the Gospel of grace. I told Him, "I'm ready to get on a plane and go. Now!" But He had wonderful plans for me then, just as He does now. Those wonderful plans sure sounded unwonderful at the time. But He had a lot of refining work to do in my heart, much growing and maturing, simple life experience, and incredibly valuable equipping. And it would be almost 15 years before I actually stepped into the life I wanted to be a part of back in high school.
Now again, don't misunderstand me! He was not waiting for me to become the epitome of loveliness and grace that women everywhere would marvel at and find themselves squinting at my halo as I waltzed around sweating life-giving water with my angelic children strolling daintily alongside me and always having a spotless home and gracing my every waking moment with insurmountable beauty as Scripture flowed off my tongue and fell upon eager ears like fragrant rose petals.
Oh for heaven's sake! I am still the same struggling daughter of His now that I was then, wrestling to rest in my identity in Him versus what the world and the evil one try to convince me of. Unsure many times how to interact with people in ways that are relatable. Fighting the perpetual mountain of dirty dishes, reeeeeeeeally dirty clothes, piles of termite residue and roach poop and spider webs (*no, I haven't made any progress in this area, thanks for asking) and ant trails that are really just a 'front' for the fact that our house is most likely held up entirely by ant hills. Longing to be 'Mother Goose' mama to my darling daughters but wishing so many times I had better control of my emotions and my (dare I say it?) tongue. Wanting to be the 'Proverbs 31 wife' but knowing I'm still in my early 30's and have a long way to go since that woman was probably much older than I and I will probably be much older than she was if that can EVER be said of me, and I also don't know much about merchant ships. Asking Him to produce the fruits of the Spirit in me since 'for some reason' I still cannot produce them on my own. Still being surprised and disappointed that I don't always have 'the right word of wisdom' to give to a sister in Christ, here in Tigak or back home, when a need arises, and wondering if that is my negligence to be in His Word and in fellowship with Him enough, or if He simply doesn't need me to be the one to always give the answers on the spot.
[Sidenote to young people considering missions: 1) Becoming a missionary will not make you holier. 2) Moving overseas will not make your struggles magically disappear. 3) There is no such thing as 'holy sweat'. Please pack deodorant.]
But in all of this...
All of this asking and longing and searching and wrestling...
I see Him not asking me to be the face of perfection. Frankly, that would be no good for these beautiful Tigak ladies. If He ever wanted something from me, it is that I would be pointing only to Him, who alone is the face of perfection. It is that my life would be the fragrance of Christ Himself. Jesus' disciples did not say, "Follow me, for I've got it all together." No no no. Just no. They said, "Follow me*, for I follow Christ!"
(*me = me in all of my human-ness, weakness, 'not-enough-ness')
And seriously, guys, we have experienced so many moments when folks here have considered that we 'white-skins' do indeed "have it all together", whether that be spiritually or financially or... (the list could go on). We MUST point to Him in everything we do. Is He the reason behind everything we do? If not, we have some re-evaluating to do.
He didn't ask me to be perfect before He was willing to use me. He asked me to be faithful. And He asks me to give Him the glory. How do I do that? By pointing to Him in all things. How so? By willingly sharing my weaknesses and struggles and my brokenness with those He has put in my path.
You know what the irony is in all of this?
It is FREEING. I think we sometimes get stuck thinking that our brokenness is crippling. Our shortcomings and weaknesses then keep us from moving and living and being effective. I have had more than enough moments of such thinking. But when I took a step back and looked at the big picture of what He is doing in me and in this world, my perspective changed. I no longer felt a slave to my brokenness and shortcomings. I felt free to use them for His glory! Oh and what a deep sigh of relief and joy there is when we can come to that place.
It's not that I rejoice THAT I am broken. And in all of this we're not talking about rejoicing over sin. No, but I rejoice that "He is" in the midst of my "I am not". And what blows my mind is that He is not ashamed to use me. In 2 Corinthians 4, Paul says that "we have this treasure in jars of clay (or 'earthen vessels'), to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." With all of my cracks and crevices, and chips and stains and flaws, and times when I fought against His best for me, and times when I thought I had what I needed apart from Him, and times when I felt like a useless vessel because my 'world' was falling apart (oh how blind)...
In all of those things and despite them, He is not ashamed of me, because of Jesus Christ! And He wants to use me in my brokenness, and He wants to actually use my brokenness to meet others in theirs. TODAY. Not tomorrow, after I've straightened some more things out. Today. Now.
How incredibly freeing, that Jesus didn't ask me to clean up my act before saving me.
Likewise, He did not ask me to clean up my act before USING me. He didn't require me to 'get all my ducks in a row' and attain to some measure of perfection, and THEN He would be able to use me. Rather, He took me in my brokenness and delighted in me! That just blows me away.
Don't misunderstand me, there was work to be done first! In high school, I sat in my English class, knowing wholeheartedly that I wanted nothing in this life but to be a part of His mission, to tell those who had never heard the Gospel of grace. I told Him, "I'm ready to get on a plane and go. Now!" But He had wonderful plans for me then, just as He does now. Those wonderful plans sure sounded unwonderful at the time. But He had a lot of refining work to do in my heart, much growing and maturing, simple life experience, and incredibly valuable equipping. And it would be almost 15 years before I actually stepped into the life I wanted to be a part of back in high school.
Now again, don't misunderstand me! He was not waiting for me to become the epitome of loveliness and grace that women everywhere would marvel at and find themselves squinting at my halo as I waltzed around sweating life-giving water with my angelic children strolling daintily alongside me and always having a spotless home and gracing my every waking moment with insurmountable beauty as Scripture flowed off my tongue and fell upon eager ears like fragrant rose petals.
Oh for heaven's sake! I am still the same struggling daughter of His now that I was then, wrestling to rest in my identity in Him versus what the world and the evil one try to convince me of. Unsure many times how to interact with people in ways that are relatable. Fighting the perpetual mountain of dirty dishes, reeeeeeeeally dirty clothes, piles of termite residue and roach poop and spider webs (*no, I haven't made any progress in this area, thanks for asking) and ant trails that are really just a 'front' for the fact that our house is most likely held up entirely by ant hills. Longing to be 'Mother Goose' mama to my darling daughters but wishing so many times I had better control of my emotions and my (dare I say it?) tongue. Wanting to be the 'Proverbs 31 wife' but knowing I'm still in my early 30's and have a long way to go since that woman was probably much older than I and I will probably be much older than she was if that can EVER be said of me, and I also don't know much about merchant ships. Asking Him to produce the fruits of the Spirit in me since 'for some reason' I still cannot produce them on my own. Still being surprised and disappointed that I don't always have 'the right word of wisdom' to give to a sister in Christ, here in Tigak or back home, when a need arises, and wondering if that is my negligence to be in His Word and in fellowship with Him enough, or if He simply doesn't need me to be the one to always give the answers on the spot.
[Sidenote to young people considering missions: 1) Becoming a missionary will not make you holier. 2) Moving overseas will not make your struggles magically disappear. 3) There is no such thing as 'holy sweat'. Please pack deodorant.]
But in all of this...
All of this asking and longing and searching and wrestling...
I see Him not asking me to be the face of perfection. Frankly, that would be no good for these beautiful Tigak ladies. If He ever wanted something from me, it is that I would be pointing only to Him, who alone is the face of perfection. It is that my life would be the fragrance of Christ Himself. Jesus' disciples did not say, "Follow me, for I've got it all together." No no no. Just no. They said, "Follow me*, for I follow Christ!"
(*me = me in all of my human-ness, weakness, 'not-enough-ness')
And seriously, guys, we have experienced so many moments when folks here have considered that we 'white-skins' do indeed "have it all together", whether that be spiritually or financially or... (the list could go on). We MUST point to Him in everything we do. Is He the reason behind everything we do? If not, we have some re-evaluating to do.
He didn't ask me to be perfect before He was willing to use me. He asked me to be faithful. And He asks me to give Him the glory. How do I do that? By pointing to Him in all things. How so? By willingly sharing my weaknesses and struggles and my brokenness with those He has put in my path.
You know what the irony is in all of this?
It is FREEING. I think we sometimes get stuck thinking that our brokenness is crippling. Our shortcomings and weaknesses then keep us from moving and living and being effective. I have had more than enough moments of such thinking. But when I took a step back and looked at the big picture of what He is doing in me and in this world, my perspective changed. I no longer felt a slave to my brokenness and shortcomings. I felt free to use them for His glory! Oh and what a deep sigh of relief and joy there is when we can come to that place.
It's not that I rejoice THAT I am broken. And in all of this we're not talking about rejoicing over sin. No, but I rejoice that "He is" in the midst of my "I am not". And what blows my mind is that He is not ashamed to use me. In 2 Corinthians 4, Paul says that "we have this treasure in jars of clay (or 'earthen vessels'), to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." With all of my cracks and crevices, and chips and stains and flaws, and times when I fought against His best for me, and times when I thought I had what I needed apart from Him, and times when I felt like a useless vessel because my 'world' was falling apart (oh how blind)...
In all of those things and despite them, He is not ashamed of me, because of Jesus Christ! And He wants to use me in my brokenness, and He wants to actually use my brokenness to meet others in theirs. TODAY. Not tomorrow, after I've straightened some more things out. Today. Now.
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