Enroute!

"Enroute" is just a label!

Why does someone else telling me my 'status' cause my heart to flip and my hands to shake?

working on our packing list...
with our coffee of course :)

After all, I've known for some time now that we are heading to PNG. But for some reason, having our status changed from "In transition" (as we finished our training) to "Enroute" was an overwhelming slice of reality today.

The activities of our days are very much geared toward our departure now. Yesterday I found some stainless steel mixing bowls at a thrift store that will be a part of my kitchen in the tribe (goodbye Pyrex!). And today we spent several hours working on our packing list. And making further plans for the Christmas 'fundraiser' dinner we are doing next month.

I almost feel like I'm kicking myself out of my life! Haha! :) (Confused laugh...)

It is absolutely mind-boggling to try and wrap my brain around this. How does one move overseas? How does one pack for that? How does one prepare for that? Someone explain this to me please!

There are elements that make my heart sad. But there are elements that cause my heart great excitement!

The question that rings in my heart and mind OVER and OVER and OVER again each day is one that was asked by someone a few months ago:

"How do you stay focused on the task at hand when there is pain inside?!"

I'm not putting my answer out there at this time. But I will say that with each heartache I encounter, I find unexplainable and inexpressible joy that swallows it up. No, I am not saying that Jesus brushes off our pain. Far from it! But what I am saying is that in the midst of our pain, He Himself is our Joy... even when that means that He is the shoulder on which our tears fall on. I am also saying that walking in Him is more than worth it- for He brings joy to living and breathing... I have no other purpose! And lastly, I am additionally saying that being involved in this incredible mission of His- to bring souls from darkness into His Light? What tremendous JOY!! Lord, please let me be a part!! 

I feel as Paul did in 1 Timothy 1.12: "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that He considered me faithful, appointing me to His service." He goes on to talk about the wonder of Christ using Him in spite of the sinner that He was/is. I couldn't agree more... it is continually amazing to me that He would consider using me, for I am such a selfish, self-pleasing, self-indulging, prideful individual. 

But He uses cracked, broken, weak vessels to display HIS glory, not our own. So may He use me, and use me to the fullest! ... oh and He also promises to complete the work He has begun in us until the day of Christ Jesus. So I hope that as I continue walking in Him that He will continue conforming me to the image of Christ. I would selfishly enjoy being less selfish. (See? What a problem.... hehe)

Running Solo

Do you ever feel like you are running solo?

Actually, one of the reasons I joined track in high school was that it WAS a solo sport, dependent on personal motivation, personal dedication, with personal goals!

In fact, much of my life has been a 'solo run'...As a little girl,  I was the only girl on my toss-ball team (they told me to go home and play with my Barbies... until I ran faster than all of them! Ha!). I also chose to play the trumpet in 5th grade when all the other girls chose the flute or the clarinet. :) From 6th grade on, I grew very interested in the Lord, and felt like "the only one" of those around me who was running after Him. As a teenager, I felt very alone in my emotional and mental struggles. After 11th grade I flew solo to Florida for my first 8-week mission trip. I did this again after I graduated high school. And then I moved to Oregon to attend Bible school, and didn't know anyone except for one other guy from our church who attended the same year I did (oh yes, he's now my husband of 7.5 years... hehe). I would frequently run the beach or the indoor track solo. I'd walk the beach solo, just myself and the Lord (and His precious Word!).


It's been 10 years since I moved to Oregon, and in that time He has changed my perspective on this whole 'running thing', and given me various running partners.

First of all, He has taught me that life in Him is not meant to be lived alone. It's not a solo effort! As believers, we are a part of the Body of Christ, and we are meant to work together, function together, rejoice together, weep together, gather together, etc....!

Next, He blessed me with a believing husband. A husband is a most unique kind of running partner. A kind of relationship that is unmatched by any other relationship. But perhaps the most interesting aspect to me of this marriage relationship is that it is very much dependent on a different relationship: my relationship with the Lord, and his relationship with the Lord. If our individual relationships with the Lord are crumbling, it causes crumbling effects in our marriage relationship. And consequently, either of us can feel as though we are still running this race alone when we are not drawing from Christ, our spring of Living Water.

After high school, I continued running, and began working on building up distance/endurance. In September 2011 I was asked to run a 5k with a friend on Thanksgiving (My first 5k. I'd always been a sprinter. Never needed that skill after high school, haha!). I began training alone, along a beautiful-looking (yes, actually quite nasty) lake in the Missouri Ozarks. See, one thing I've ALWAYS cherished about running alone is all the time I gain to talk and think with the Lord! Thanksgiving morning came, and I found myself at the starting line with not one but two other ladies. Made me kind of nervous to have company!

But running that 5k, and doing it alongside sisters in Christ, was inspiring to me. How else do you learn that your sister is desperately thirsty? How could you give her water if you had no idea of her need? And how could you encourage your sister to make it to the next lamp-post if you were not running by her side? How would you even know she was tired in her race?

That spring, I had the joy of training with another friend for my first half marathon (a goal of mine since graduating high school). The hours (upon hours) we spent running together, 3x a week, gave us SO many opportunities to get to know each other, to share our joys and our burdens, to enjoy His creation, and simply to run together! And you know something? The whole thing about 'your pace is right if you can carry on a conversation'? It's true. Not just in running, but in life. Sometimes it's difficult to try and talk, as your body goes in and out of the "runner's high". But you feel freedom and joy in those times when you realize you've been running for several miles but you can talk with little effort! There is a season for both. :) The key is not to get overwhelmed and call it quits in the difficult moments.

So now... (oh come on, you must've known this was bound to get serious at some point)... :)
I am nearly finished with my Linguistic write-up, and all that stands between us and Papua New Guinea is 9 short months (and loads of paperwork) (and packing) (and vaccinations) (and more goodbyes). Yes, MORE goodbyes... I had to say one of my most difficult ones last week. And in January I will say my second tremendously difficult one. These are my long-term running partners! What is a runner to do without her running partners for several years at a time? There isn't necessarily an answer. And I know that we are all still running together deeply in spirit! (Amen!) But not too long ago, I had a 'moment' as I was playing the song below by Kari Jobe, "My Everything." You see, I believe firmly that He IS my Everything. He has called me to Himself, and He has compelled me to this task. And I'm THRILLED to be a part! And we are thrilled that our daughters get to partake of it with us as we learn and grow together! I'm glad and gladly willing to go! ("How then will they hear unless someone preaches to them?...") There's nothing in me that wants to stay here and NOT be involved in what His heart beats for! But as I listened to the song, I still found myself struggling... maybe all those years of running solo were a facade, a defense. He has shown me the beauty of fellowship and friendship. How precious it is to sit on the porch with blankets in the darkest hour of the morning with a friend over some (cheap) coffee! How joyful it is to find innovative ways of making a box of mac and cheese (parlez vous microwave?) with a friend. He has shown me that it is ok, and it is good, to love and be loved. 

So I believe that for the first time in my life, as I venture out "solo" again, my heart is in a new place. "What will I do when I feel lonely and feel I'm running solo?" And it as though I hear Him asking, and also hear MY heart asking itself:

Is HE enough for me when I am running solo? Is He really my Everything?

Kari Jobe- "My Everything" --  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxBu2vzLPZA

Every Season

We have lived in the Midwest for the last 4 years. It's been a little wistful to drive away from it today, likely not to return for at least 4 years.

To drive across our country is a treat! Well, some of the states are more of a stale treat, but for the most part it's been special to experience the dramatic landscape He so carefully crafted (and the evidence of an incredibly impactful deluge!). The ocean and mountains in the northwest. The hills. The flatlands. The Rockies. FarmVille- oops, farm country. The Great Lakes and Lake Michigan. The rolling hills of PA. The Ozarks. 

One of the most intriguing things about the Midwest has been the distinct seasons! Hot, humid summers. Glowing colorful autumn- the beauty in death because of the hope of spring. Cold, snowy winters. And the literal bursting forth of the spring! 

For me, I felt like I arrived in Michigan four years ago in the fall. (Well ok, we actually did, but that wasn't the point) it was a change for us, having just stepped out of several years of ministry in Oregon. I knew that as we began diving into His Word that He had some huge plowing to do in my heart and mind. Indeed! As our two years in Michigan progressed, fall turned into winter as He convinced me more and more of my sin, my selfishness, my depravity apart from Him and my complete need for and dependence upon Him. I remember feeling so crushed that I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I was trying to be like Him, but failing all the more! A quote I read in Stanford's Green Letters addressed my problem quite well:  

"The Holy Spirit says, you cannot do it; (make yourself like Him in your strength) just withdraw; come out of it. You have been in the arena, you have been endeavoring, you are a failure, come out and sit down, and as you sit there behold Him, look at Him. Don't try to be like Him, just look at Him. Just be occupied with Him, forget about trying to be like Him. Instead of letting that fill your mind and heart, let Him fill it. Just behold Him, look upon Him through the Word "

It may be an extreme quote, but it helped me to breathe and realize afresh that HE does His work in me. I cannot produce fruit. He produces it in me as I draw into Him. 

So as I 'budded' out of my winter, He gave me such an abundance of springtime joy! Lots of new thinking as we spent the last two years in Missouri. New thinking, new experiences, new preparation for our upcoming 'life', new partners in ministry (in every way!), and new friendships (including a dear one for me!). And above it all He has convinced me over and over simply through who He is- that He is WORTH IT! It is worth the cold, shivering, crumbling season of autumn. It is worth the dry, frozen, seemingly empty deathly season of winter. Because after the rain and snow have pounded deeply into the heart, pure new glorious life bursts forth with such inexpressible joy that could never be experienced without having known the sting of darkness.

By the end of our training in MO, I felt so full, so richly blessed in my heart by Him. He doesn't even have to DO anything, He is enough simply existing as my Savior and my God! And yet He always goes above and beyond. Why does He do this? Why is He THAT good? 

So I've rejoiced greatly in this summer season, so full and bright. :)

Full circle. Which brings me now to autumn again. As we look to the incredible changes that are taking place this year for us, we are living out the elements of this lifestyle that would be the "painful sacrifice" for us. Being brothers and sisters in Christ brings immense joy! But such deep, real relationships cause great pain to leave behind. It really does a number on the heart to soak up moments and memories with loved ones so they can be carried with us as we go. Really, why must pain and joy be in the same pot?! Would a chef ever serve a gourmet soup with poop in it? And yet we read that Jesus endured the cross "considering the joy set before Him"!! Pain and joy seem to be very close siblings. He considered me worth it. Likewise I consider Him worth it. That doesn't make it easier. But it makes it worth it. He is worth it. 

I stood outside a couple days ago with a fleece blanket, admiring the changing leaves with a precious 10-year-old girl. I was remarking on how beautiful it is. When I mentioned that we were really admiring death, it took her by surprise :) We talked about why we can find it so beautiful... Because we have the hope, the promise, of new life in the spring. 

So as I brace myself for this chilly season, and wrap myself in a warm fleece blanket, I can and will (I must!) rejoice in the hope, the promise, of the spring. I must "seek joy in this bittersweet goodbye".

Enjoy Him!! In every season:

http://youtu.be/-dwpdZdvCl8

Walls

As I sit here in our room in Oklahoma eating a banana quite grumpily, I have to laugh at the irony of what I see (as pictured above).

Look at all these "walls" we've put up! Each one is different, and each has a different purpose. But all share a similar end: privacy! Or, escape! "Essss-CA-pe!"

How quick and determined I can be to run and hide behind some kind of wall. Some of my walls of escape are:

-nap time (hey, it reduces my risk of heart ailments!)

-cooking (well who doesn't like food?)

-music (He says to sing, what's the problem?)

-work! (I should be diligent, right?)

Then there are intangible walls. 

Do I have walls from my past, such as old ways of thinking?

Do I have walls that represent what i wish perhaps my life resembled, like the mysterious "mirrors" in the Phantom of the Opera?"

All of these are ways that I try to escape from what is really happening or from who I really am. 

But tonight as I sat here and noticed all of these different walls of refuge and "safety", it struck me how silly they can be. Is there a time and place for hiding behind a wall? Perhaps, yes. Maybe not in the way I often do, though. What does it mean, after all, that He is my refuge, my shelter, my hiding place? What does it mean for me to hide myself in Him? 

What is the manner and means by which I 'hide' in a time of trouble- within or without? 

I believe He would have me continue learning to put down self-protecting walls. I remember seeing the Phantom of the Opera for the first time ( yes I have seen the musical, but here I actually mean the movie). I couldn't help but cry at the end as the "phantom" realized for the first time some simple truths about himself and about the world- and his response was to completely shatter the mirrors (the 'walls') that had been his livelihood, his reality, and his safety. It reminded me of when The Lord freed me of my despair and taught me Truths about Himself, about myself, about life, and about the world. In essence, i felt i had shattered my own mirrors/walls and begun to live in the freedom of Christ in me!

Here is a song that captures the thought well:

http://youtu.be/BFUHrXfuNU4