Love and Broken-Heartedness

"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love."

I heard this in a song the other day.
It reminded me of this C.S. Lewis quote about love:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I consider that if my heart is broken over something, that perhaps there is love involved. Depending on the object of my affection (conscious or sub-conscious), this broken-heartedness can be good or bad. (Fruitful or destructive?)

We say that love is more than a feeling. I agree. It moves into action. It is often represented by action, seemingly alone.

I would wonder then if broken-heartedness is likewise more than a feeling. I believe it moves into action, and is often represented by action, seemingly alone.

Broken-heartedness and love can go hand in hand.

After all, this is how He so willingly and completely embraces us in spite of how deeply we have broken His heart. 

And so, walking in His footsteps, we can learn to so willingly and completely embrace others in spite of how deeply they have broken our hearts. 

A misconception in missions work is that it is love for the people that drives missionaries on. But missionaries who have been there know better (and others like myself have learned from their testimonies). It is not love for the people that keeps a missionary on the field, but love for Christ~ and obedience to HIM, because of HIS perfect love and longing for them. Our emotion of love will fade. Even our action of love or action of our our broken-heartedness for their lost state will draw up insufficient. Why? Because that is our own effort. We can do nothing but look upon Him. And after all, what a relief! For HE will build His Church. What an immense joy and privilege to be a part of His plan! For He takes me in my insufficiencies and my weaknesses, and He speaks clearly in spite of my stammering lips, and He serves boldly in spite of my trembling hands.

May He love. Again and again. Even through my "not-enough-ness." 

The Lucky Few

Some of us just get pooped on.

Source: http://10000birds.com/enlightenment-through-bird-poop.htm

It's as though it was always meant to happen.

For as long as I can remember, I've been that person who trips over her shadow, walks into trees and doors and walls, gets pooped on by birds, and tells jokes backwards.

I was at a wedding last weekend. The best man, the brother of the groom, gave a great toast in which he shared some humorous anecdotes about his experience growing up. He felt that throughout his life, his "purpose" was to make his brother look good- by means of his shortcomings, or even his failures. He wasn't disrespecting himself, but rather enjoying the difference between him and his brother.

In some ways, I could make the same argument, that perhaps the reason I've been so lucky as to be clumsy and be the brunt of jokes and be in the wrong place at the wrong time (or the right place/right time from the birds' perspectives...), is so that others can both find amusement, and so they can look good. Hehe!! Like the groomsman, I don't say this in self-disrespect, but I kind of enjoy the idea that someone else breathes a happy sigh of relief if I take the bird poop.

Also, after washing the crow poop out of my hair yesterday (yes, I got pooped on yesterday- almost twice within an hour), I wondered if it isn't all preparation for my life ahead in the jungle. For the many times I will no doubt trip over roots, walk into trees and doors and walls, get pooped on by birds or attacked by other vicious creatures like spiders, and not understand jokes or be able to tell them... MAYBE, just maybe, my life experience has prepared me to not fall apart in those moments, but to be able to find humor in it and perhaps laugh at myself. :)

You see, there has never been a season in my life in which I thought the world was right, or that life was 'good'. For me, it's 'always' been 'wrong'.

But that doesn't mean I am obligated to feel and live as though it is a complete disaster. It gives me the opportunity to choose my response. To choose to be devastated, to choose to bury my head in the sand, or to choose to lift my eyes. I've learned that real living in the midst of this life comes from lifting my eyes to Christ, the author of life.

This doesn't by any means imply that I have it down, and that I always respond well. Those who know me are well aware that it is a continual struggle for me to choose the best response when I walk into a tree.

I won't lie- I'm encouraged when I realize I'm not the only lucky one who has such great encounters with nature. Naya walked into a wall as she headed to her room this evening. As we comforted her, I felt some inner joy and pride, knowing that she carries my genes. :) ... poor child. :)

When the Sun Goes Down

A couple nights ago, we took a ferry across the water from Bremerton to Seattle. BEAUTIFUL trip. To make it even better, the sun was slowly sinking into the Olympic mountain range, so the world glowed with an orange hue. Then that moment comes- the radiance suddenly lifts as the sun hides below the horizon.
Taking a breath, I immediately tried to remember what I felt just seconds ago, what I had seen. The memory made me smile. But I could not feel it as keenly as when I was experiencing it.

And I thought about how rich I am.

How rich He has made me in the blessing of special moments, special places, special people.

Just like the setting of the sun, all of these incredible gifts are two things:
1) Incredible gifts!
2) Fading

When I soak up the warmth of the gifts He has placed all around me, I am able to find enjoyment in this life He has given me. Too often I've taken advantage of them, perhaps with the notion that they would last, and last in an unchanging manner- whether it be a moment, or a place to make a memory, or a relationship. The challenge then lies here: do I believe that the setting of the sun, or the changing of a gift if you will, is a lessening of His blessing? Do I believe He is taking it away from me and casting me into a season of shivering and longing for the warmth of that direct sunlight? Or can I see the beauty at dusk? (Ok, it's no secret that dusk has long been the time of day I hate most... try being a grumpy teenager weeding in the garden at dusk. So hard to see that I end up putting whole handfuls of soil into the yardwaste container...)

When the sun goes down, will I choose to remain thankful?
When the sun goes down, will my vision change?
When the sun goes down, will I keep breathing in and out?
When the sun goes down, will He remain faithful?

Like anything in life, the season and the perspective changes. A gift I was given and held onto dearly and cherished and rejoiced in... might reshape and change over time. That doesn't make it any less of a gift. Nor does that mean I should toss it out, like tossing out the good soil along with the weeds. I have the opportunity to grow and change along with it, and to embrace it in its new form. I have the good challenge to accept it for what it is now.

Extra Brain Cells?

I've been at a loss for words lately. Lots of difficult and quasi-difficult circumstances going on these days with families and loved ones.

And even more-so, just the constant spinning around of my poor little brain! It's trying so hard to keep up with these times! It's been a monthly countdown since we were in Missouri. Now it's weekly... and actually it's even more DAILY! 52 days... my heart skips a beat each time I see our countdown on our blog.

I know that all of a sudden I am going to be lying wide awake in bed through the wee hours of the morning when I should be sleeping, counting down the hours and then the minutes until we leave for the airport. Anyone going to volunteer to be awake so I can pray with you over text in the middle of the night? :)

Seriously- I can only think about 4 hours ahead these days. Any kind of "what about tomorrow?" is totally lost on me. :)

SO much to do, SO little time (and SO little energy :( ...).

Praying for His grace. Praying for extra brain cells.

Jitters

Sleepless nights are beginning. 62 days to go... so much to do, and what feels like so little time!

I was reminded of the days surrounding my short term mission trips in high school (I went on two trips with Teen Missions International, to Poland and to Zambia). During those days I had dream after dream about showing up at the mission's 'boot camp' in Florida - sometimes without my box of belongings! Other times I had the box, but when I opened it, I had forgotten clothes. Or a sleeping bag. Or all my money...

Oh speaking of which, one of those years I did actually seal up my box of belongings and go to bed, and upon double-checking my packing list in the morning I realized I had locked all my money safely in my filing cabinet! Had to break the seal on the box and put the money in... that could've been a very awkward situation...

Anyway, I remember those dreams because I sometimes think I will forget something "vital" (something I perhaps consider vital today) to our surviving/living in the jungle. Like a knife. Or toothpaste? Or... underwear? Who knows!

But all that to say- this is all so very mind-boggling, and when I lay down at night, my brain is like a hamster. No need to explain. Right? (Noe always gives me a hard time about hamsters since I left mine to die during a tsunami evacuation in Oregon... and he still thinks I purposely killed it... ok... I may not love animals, but starving one?)

*If you were moving to a jungle for several years, is there something specific you'd want to make sure you had with you? A favorite cooking utensil maybe? A favorite health book? A favorite sermon podcast? Leave your comments if you're willing to share. (Did you know commenting is an encouragement? :) ... no,
really!)

The REAL Mom's Day

I opened my eyes halfway, closed them again, stretched my limbs, and rolled over, snuggled into the plush blankets. Bliss! I heard my husband sneak into the kitchen and begin making breakfast- oh what? He never does that! But it's MOTHER'S DAY! Yesssss... I SO deserve this. I make breakfast EVERY day. Without complaining! Mother's day is for me. I'm the sweetest, Mother Goose mother imagined by mankind and purposed by God. I don't ever raise my voice at my children. I discipline always with perfect grace and truth. I always go the extra mile to keep the house sparkling. Even if I feel tired, which is rare, I keep both our home and my marriage in tip top shape. My children arise and call me blessed- every morning! Imagine that! Yes... Mother's Day is definitely for ME. And I let my head sink gloriously into my memory foam pillow, and savor the aroma of coffee and breakfast wafting in from the kitchen... 

.....

!!

REALLY!?

I hate to disappoint you. But I am not this mother.
Does this mother even exist?
Why yes she does!!
Where, you ask? In the greeting cards at the store. You've seen them. ...and like me, I'm sure you've bought some... :)
"Mom, you deserve it..."
"Mom, you always have been there..."
"Mom, what a perfect example you are..."


Do you want to know how I REALLY felt when I woke up yesterday (Mother's Day)?? I pried my eyes open (ok not really, but I sure felt that way), grumbled in my head about how if I want coffee I and breakfast I have to get up and walk 10 feet to go make it haha... realized it's Mother's Day, and felt guilty. Ok, before you go all crazy on me, I don't mean unhealthy, excessive guilt. But the guilt that knew that another year of struggling and battling had passed, and that another year of that was beginning. The daily gift and opportunity AND challenge of parenting. I thought about the times I had chosen an ungodly response to my children's behavior. The times I snapped (my friends are laughing). The times I couldn't figure out how to discipline. The times I was truly too tired to clean up the clutter. The times I wasn't truly too tired but made that choice anyway. The times I didn't BE a part of the family because I was hormonal or whatnot. So really? Mother's Day? What kind of celebration is this!? How does it REALLY feel to receive a Mother's Day card full of thoughtful, loving sentiments, and know in my heart what really happened this year?


Truth is, there IS something else that happened this year, just as it has every year and will continue to. And that is that as a Child of God, He promises to continue to mold and shape me into the likeness of Christ. He doesn't promise me what that will look like on a daily or even yearly basis. But He promises that He is DOING that.
And you know something? He's not doing it for that 'perfect mother'. Instead, He is doing it for each and every one of us - real moms. Moms who get frustrated. Crabby. Tired. Emotional. Hormonal. Angry. And moms who also experience those breakthrough moments of joy, of pride in our children, of progress in our marriage, of strengthening in our walk with Christ.

I've included a link to a great article below, about a healthier focus for 'Mother's Day'. Because it is difficult for me to look at myself with any praise on a day called "Mother's Day". But there are truths from Scripture that I need to remember:
-He is WITH me
-He SINGS over me
-He REJOICES over me
-He is my SHIELD
-He is my HELP
-He is my STRENGTH
-He is my FATHER. Yes He parents me.
-He loves me just the way I am. And He desires to take all the yuck in me, all the filthiness, all the mistakes, and continue His work.  But He doesn't force me. Like a loving parent, He beckons me, and URGES me toward the right way. And yes, He disciplines me in His love and wisdom.

Dear Real Mom,
HE is deserving of all praise and adoration. 
HE has always been there.
HE is the perfect example always.
...Press on!

THESE are the kinds of encouragements and remarks that I, as a real mom, want to hear on Mother's Day. You sure won't find that in any greeting card.

I hope you find the article below encouraging, fellow moms, friends, women of God! I sure did. :)

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/05/why-mothers-day-is-really-just-for-the-birds/

For the Hope

Is every single decision I make motivated by the sure hope I have in Him?

As I have shared before, I am somewhat of an "environmentalist." I can be very easily shaped by my surroundings and can let them determine my mood and my consequent actions. I watch my children being so easily overwhelmed by :
"I'm too hot."
"I'm too cold."
"That's too much for me."
"I want more."
"That's too short."
"This is too long."
As I work to help them grow in understanding of Him, I smile, as they are merely walking the same journey I am. He promises that He will complete the work He began in us as His children. Oh how I wish He would hurry up and complete it! :) But He says He will be completing it in us "until that day" (the day we are with Him at last!). So until then, I know that He will continue His sanctifying work in me- the work of molding me into the image of Himself.

As He continues this work in me, I find myself making decisions with the wrong motivations. (Oh I kid you not- as we work hard to make decisions about what to take overseas and what to get rid of and the big "WHY" behind every little thing, and even as we consider potential tribes to live among, there are many more inner battles than I ever would have imagined!! ... go ahead, try it next time you do your spring cleaning... try and get rid of everything that is not necessary. This isn't a right/wrong issue... but I promise you it will give you the opportunity to confront corners of your heart that you didn't even know were hiding. You'll discover yourself clinging to things or to ideas that you didn't realize had any value to your heart!) I make decisions based on the world around me. But see, I know that if I live that way, I will bring 'destruction'. I will be 'wrapped up in my own kingdom' instead of His. If we ALL walked in our own way, that would bring an unbelievable amount of destruction. In fact, it does! And it did for Israel as well, as we read about in Judges- "every man did what was right in his own eyes."

But if I fix my eyes on Christ, and set my mind and heart on things above, He can so much more effectively use me as a tool in His hand! No one would be dumb enough to swing the hammer down with their eyes closed! And yet we do it all the time... striking our own thumbs and crying and blaming Him or someone else for it. He has made it clear that He is our life. He is to be 'the openness of our eyes.' In other words, if I am not focused and motivated and living for the hope He has guaranteed for me, it is as though my eyes are closed. Dark. Blind.

So let us throw off everything that hinders and run with perseverance the race that is set before us! (Heb. 12.1-3)

Letting go of "all" (all the nothingness) this world offers and walking in this hope makes breathing in and breathing out worthwhile.

It makes it worth walking a different direction than I had wanted to walk.

It makes it worth freeing myself of the rigidness of my own opinions.

It makes it worth throwing off the weight of earthly material possessions.

Oh how incredibly worth it He is!!

And what wonderful freedom, contentment, and joy He brings, JUST AS HE PROMISED, when we let go of our lives for His sake.

*Enjoy the inspiring song below, which speaks about this topic.