He waited a week.

Every year as Easter comes around, I've sensed the Lord drawing my attention to a certain element of His amazing story of grace and redemption.

This year, nothing came into my heart or mind... until I was sitting in the church service reading along with the account of Thomas and his doubts. I think sometimes we imagine he was angry. Perhaps he was. I have a feeling he also was very broken, as the rest of the disciples had felt. But here is what struck me this year...

John 20:26- "A week later..."

That's it. It was enough reading those three words. I looked up from my Bible and wondered, "A week!?... A week!"

And my heart said, "I wonder why Jesus waited a whole week before appearing to Thomas." Jesus heard Thomas' statement. He was appearing and 'disappearing' to people in various places. He could have shown up at any moment. (I'm pretty sure there's even one video that portrays Jesus appearing behind Thomas AS he is speaking those words. But that's not what the Biblical account says.)

Why did Jesus apparently 'allow' Thomas to spend another week in doubt, perhaps feeling downcast and depressed- oh and furthermore, now all of the men (and women) he'd spent the last 3 years living alongside of now believed that Jesus was alive! So it seems Thomas may have felt very alone in his doubts.

I think sometimes we feel like we are entitled to immediate solutions or instant answers. Especially when we are dealing with someone who seems to be 'the one in control' or 'the one with the power.' "Why would they just let me suffer when they could fix it right away!?"

Did Jesus wait a week so that Thomas would be looking for Him? 
Would I stop looking for Him if He always answered my questions right away?

Did Jesus wait a week so that Thomas would ponder Jesus' character, His actions, and His words? (Thomas wanted logical proof of Jesus' resurrection. This makes me wonder why Thomas didn't pay more attention to Jesus' detailed predictions of His death and resurrection!)
Would I ponder His character, actions, and words if He always explained Himself to me immediately?

Did Jesus wait a week so that Thomas would better recognize his need?
Would I be aware of my need if He always fixed my problems instantly?

I don't have an answer. But I do know that the character of my God is not one who looks upon His children with contempt. He intimately cares for us and every minute detail of our lives. I believe it is safe to say that Jesus had no cruel intention in not appearing to Thomas right away. Perhaps as Jesus did not appear to Thomas that week, Thomas observed the disciples in their belief. Thomas spent three years not just with Jesus but with these other men and women. Was it possible they were lying to him? For a week? Why would they do that? (It makes no sense)

I have a feeling my doubts often "don't make sense". But I know that the Lord looks upon me with love, not with scorn and contempt, in the midst of my doubt. I believe He desires to strengthen my faith in who He is.

Clearing Out

It's refreshing to clear out extra things, junk, duplicates, clutter... anything that we won't be needing for our life in PNG. It really makes me evaluate the "what if"... (What if we were staying here? Would I really continue living with all of this stuff?!) (No, I'm not against cultural norms. I think fighting the cultural norm so strongly can actually come across as arrogance...whether we're choosing to live in 'plenty' OR in 'want'.)

It's also sobering to let go of tangible memories. I experienced this in getting rid of things we'd saved from our time living in Cannon Beach. And I felt it this week visiting my grandmother's home, which is gradually becoming empty (she passed away in February).

It's difficult to get rid of old thinking habits. Engrained at a young age, their threat continues, although manifested differently as the years go by. For example, a critical and selfish young person such as myself will find that she continues to be critical and selfish, just in different ways. Is there an MSM (Most Selfish Missionary) Award? I suppose I'd have to nominate myself! *Note- does the realness surprise you? Perhaps you are like me, having grown up only hearing about the goodness and spiritual zeal of missionaries... If this is the first time you've heard of a missionary who struggles with selfishness, then... yikes! But meanwhile, vote for me? ;)

It's lovely to open my hands and let my ideals slip through my fingers to make way for Christ's perfect will and purpose for my life. When my hands are open, He gives me the freedom to take great joy what is before me, and the ability to move on from it as He uses my life for His glory.

Clearing out. A mixture of joy and pain. HEY! I could choose not to experience any of that. I could just 'hold on to who I am and never let (Him) change me from the inside...' But what joy would come of that? For:

He refreshes me with less of this world and more of Himself.
He challenges me to remember the preciousness of His working in my life.
He urges me to walk in Him and let Him make me less selfish and more like Him.
He fills me with the joy of His choosing me (a cracked and broken vessel!) to bring Him glory!