Testing

We all experience different kinds of challenges and tests at some point. Lately it has been my turn. In the midst of it, The Lord has been teaching me some valuable lessons.

1. What is the extent of my willingness? 

There are plenty of areas of my life, and areas of my heart that I am easily able to give Him entirely without a second thought. Sometimes I feel entitled by that to withhold or be picky about other areas. I think "See what I've given of myself for You? Isn't that enough?" What a disgusting thought, especially when I consider the drastic extent to which He poured all of Himself out for me! 

Two areas that have recently been challenged for me are comfort and health. 

Regarding comfort: We are making more and more decisions about what our life will look like when we move overseas. As we go through this process, I am discovering what opinions about things I hold and what my values are- AND how ready I am (or not) to surrender them for the sake of others. I've found that bringing these areas that I consider important to The Lord is much more effective than whining about my preferences. For He changes my heart and guides it to where it needs to be settled. 

Regarding health: with recent scares and issues, I've had the chance to honestly confront the grip I've secretly been holding on my own life and health. When I'm healthy it has been easier to say I offer Him everything. But when I'm not healthy or uncertain, it has brought about heart decisions about who I'm placing my trust in, and what the purpose of my life is- not just my life as a whole, but each day and each moment. And finally, I've had to ask myself the question, "am I willing to honor Him in death as well as in life, should that ever be His will for me?" 

2. How will I respond to uncertainties? 

I just faced my first encounter with the possibility of a disease that runs in my family. I experienced anxiety and extra moodiness (my poor husband!). But as I waded through it, I had conversations with The Lord about trusting Him regardless of the outcome. And I can say now that I have come to the point where I am no longer concerned about the outcome, but only wishing to offer Him my life. For as Paul laid out so well in Scripture, "I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far!" But he also said he desired to remain there with the church for the sake of their progress and joy in the faith. Paul knew it was no tragedy to leave this world. But he determined that while he was in this world he would live fully for the sake of Christ. I agree fully, and desire that as long as He keeps me here I want to live fully in Him and for the sake of His Name.

(I found out yesterday that I do not face that disease today! But I also found out I need further testing to check for a very different disease. So I'm still walking this road and learning...)

3. Who am I looking to for joy? For companionship? For support?

"A servant of God must stand so much alone that he never knows he is alone. In the first phases of Christian life disheartenments come, people who used to be lights flicker out, and those who used to stand with us pass away. We have to get so used to it that we never know we are standing alone.“All men forsook me: . . . notwithstanding the Lord stood with me” (2 Tim. 4:16-17). We must build our faith, not on the fading light, but on the light that never fails. ...

My utmost for his highest: April 22

I heard this quote about 13 years ago at a time in my life when I felt very alone. I do not feel that way anymore. But having known loneliness, and yet knowing the presence of my God and the intimacy of my Savior in the midst of it, it is important and good for me to remember that He alone fully meets my needs. In the difficulties I've been facing, I've found great encouragement! But I've also seen the mountains crumble all around me unexpectedly. It is in those moments when we suddenly realize we are standing alone that we must not be devastated! Instead we must simply open our eyes and see that He already is! He has never left our side, nor will He. He often provides joy, companionship, and support for us in this rocky life through tangible ways like friends and family (...and chocolate and espresso)... :) But at other times, He is all of that Himself for us. He wants to teach us that He is sufficient. Perhaps we need to view those tangible gifts as a taste of all of His goodness and glory and grace in our lives.

Sent from my iPhone