Historically He has not used me in such ways. I've always been a behind-the-scenes, quiet kind of a worker. He has used me more in quiet conversations, one-on-one intentional times with younger girls, the work of hospitality and encouragement. He hasn't used me to be the convincer, the arguer, the teacher, the one way-down-in-the thick-of-everything person. (With the exceptions of children's ministry and leading music)
So I've continually re-evaluated my life, my thinking, and my role as a wife/mom/homeschool teacher/language and culture learner/missionary/discipler (and hopefully soon also translator!). It's often a huge, crazy juggling act. And it's often difficult for me to order my priorities each day. In fact, I've just emerged from an unhealthy season of thinking I needed to accomplish all of those things in a day, or I wasn't living up to His expectations of me. (Spoiler: This was dangerously unhealthy, faulty thinking, and His expectations of me were never that I would do all of that in order to please Him!) But even now, having a healthier perspective on who I am in Christ and what He would have me do here in Tigak for Him, the question that has come to my mind again and again is this:
"Why would He suddenly use me in new and different ways? Why wouldn't He continue to use me the way He has historically used me?" He created me perfectly, according to His Word, and the more and more I consider all of this, the more I am content with the idea that He is delighted to use me exactly the way He made me. Does He want to grow and stretch me? Well certainly He does- but His goal is to make me more like Christ, not to make me 'like someone else' (anyone else here on earth). So if He grows and stretches me in any way, it is for the purpose of molding my character and making me like Christ and bringing glory to His Name. But the way that He made me, the personality and characteristics He gave me, are pleasing in His sight, and He will use me here if I am willing.
If He wants to use me in big ways, so be it! And if He wants to use me in small ways, so be it! But here's another place I went wrong: I somehow decided in my mind that being used in small ways was less glorious in His eyes than being used in big ways. I believe my thoughts to that end were foolish.
I can't help but think of the story of Elijah and His longing to see the glory of the Lord (1 Kings 19). In Elijah's despair from persecution, he spent the night in a mountain cave. The LORD was going to pass by, and as Elijah watched, a huge wind passed by, but the LORD was not in the wind. Then an earthquake struck, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. Than a fire came, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came "a gentle whisper", or "a still, small voice". And Elijah, hearing that still, small voice, knew it was the LORD and came out to the mouth of the cave and the LORD spoke to Him.
I would by no means misinterpret or misapply this passage of Scripture. But I do think one things we can learn from it is that the LORD does not always communicate/move/work in grand, mighty, majestic ways. In fact, those "still, small voice" ways of His are sometimes even more grand, mighty, and majestic, are they not?
I believe that He does not simply "put up with" those of us who are more of the "still, small voice", "gentle whisper" kind of people. No, I believe that He truly delights to use us in soft, gentle, subtle ways that will bring Him tremendous glory. I believe that the common denominator for all of us as His children and His servants is summed up by one word: WILLINGNESS.
If we are willing to let Him use us, He will use us! He will use some of us in grand, mighty, and majestic ways. And He will use others of us in "still, small voice" ways. Both will bring Him glory, and He will use all of us to build His Church here on earth, until the day He comes for us!
