A Still, Small Voice

I somehow conjured up the idea in my mind that going overseas as a missionary meant that God would use me in "front lines" ways, such as speaking boldly, teaching the masses (women), constantly getting my 'hands dirty', and basically being 'front and center'.

Historically He has not used me in such ways. I've always been a behind-the-scenes, quiet kind of a worker. He has used me more in quiet conversations, one-on-one intentional times with younger girls, the work of hospitality and encouragement. He hasn't used me to be the convincer, the arguer, the teacher, the one way-down-in-the thick-of-everything person. (With the exceptions of children's ministry and leading music)

So I've continually re-evaluated my life, my thinking, and my role as a wife/mom/homeschool teacher/language and culture learner/missionary/discipler (and hopefully soon also translator!). It's often a huge, crazy juggling act. And it's often difficult for me to order my priorities each day. In fact, I've just emerged from an unhealthy season of thinking I needed to accomplish all of those things in a day, or I wasn't living up to His expectations of me. (Spoiler: This was dangerously unhealthy, faulty thinking, and His expectations of me were never that I would do all of that in order to please Him!) But even now, having a healthier perspective on who I am in Christ and what He would have me do here in Tigak for Him, the question that has come to my mind again and again is this:

"Why would He suddenly use me in new and different ways? Why wouldn't He continue to use me the way He has historically used me?" He created me perfectly, according to His Word, and the more and more I consider all of this, the more I am content with the idea that He is delighted to use me exactly the way He made me. Does He want to grow and stretch me? Well certainly He does- but His goal is to make me more like Christ, not to make me 'like someone else' (anyone else here on earth). So if He grows and stretches me in any way, it is for the purpose of molding my character and making me like Christ and bringing glory to His Name. But the way that He made me, the personality and characteristics He gave me, are pleasing in His sight, and He will use me here if I am willing.

If He wants to use me in big ways, so be it! And if He wants to use me in small ways, so be it! But here's another place I went wrong: I somehow decided in my mind that being used in small ways was less glorious in His eyes than being used in big ways. I believe my thoughts to that end were foolish.

I can't help but think of the story of Elijah and His longing to see the glory of the Lord (1 Kings 19). In Elijah's despair from persecution, he spent the night in a mountain cave. The LORD was going to pass by, and as Elijah watched, a huge wind passed by, but the LORD was not in the wind. Then an earthquake struck, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. Than a fire came, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came "a gentle whisper", or "a still, small voice". And Elijah, hearing that still, small voice, knew it was the LORD and came out to the mouth of the cave and the LORD spoke to Him.

I would by no means misinterpret or misapply this passage of Scripture. But I do think one things we can learn from it is that the LORD does not always communicate/move/work in grand, mighty, majestic ways. In fact, those "still, small voice" ways of His are sometimes even more grand, mighty, and majestic, are they not?

I believe that He does not simply "put up with" those of us who are more of the "still, small voice", "gentle whisper" kind of people. No, I believe that He truly delights to use us in soft, gentle, subtle ways that will bring Him tremendous glory. I believe that the common denominator for all of us as His children and His servants is summed up by one word: WILLINGNESS.

If we are willing to let Him use us, He will use us! He will use some of us in grand, mighty, and majestic ways. And He will use others of us in "still, small voice" ways. Both will bring Him glory, and He will use all of us to build His Church here on earth, until the day He comes for us!

What They Longed For

"(Abraham) obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. ... like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents..."

"...for he was looking forward to the city with foundations, 

whose architect and builder is God."

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them."

"...They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had something better planned for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

~excerpts from Hebrews 11

There are some things about this type of lifestyle (overseas missionary work) that are rather difficult. This is me sharing about one of them.

I still remember the day back in summer 2009 when our U-Haul rental trailer showed up. We were committed, so it wasn't by any means a moment of fear to pack up what belongings we hadn't sold and move across the country. But it was very surreal. Surreal to uproot our entire lives, not knowing exactly where we were going, and proceed to walk this road by faith. It's counter-cultural to much of this world to not have roots planted in the soil. To not have a foundation. (Yes, even though the houses in the tribe don't generally have concrete foundations, they do have their own form of foundations- posts that are planted deep into the earth.) It is, to say it simply, unsettling to not be settled. I'm not too terribly 'girly' in general... in fact, my husband is much more of a "Martha Stewart" than I am... I remember finding some small shelves at a thrift store once and asking him if they would work for one of our rooms, but alas, "they didn't match." Haha! But in all seriousness, as a woman I do find that the deepest part of me has a longing to be settled, to have roots planted, to have a foundation to stand on. This lifesetyle has essentially made us sojourners/travelers. Consequently, no matter what home we go to (and we have lived in so many over the last decade!), it never quite feels like "mine". In fact, the longer we live this journey, the less ANYthing feels like "mine", be it a house, or a country, or a local church, or even a friend. I don't feel like any of those things belong to me, and I don't anymore feel like I quite belong to any of them.

There are definitely times when my heart feels sad about this. The constant 'goodbyes' are a constant reminder to my heart of its reality. This lifestyle gives us the best reunions with family and friends, but they always feel much too short-lived. The people we leave behind can't feel my heart pounding as we drive away. They don't see the tear slip down my cheek as their home and their town fades off into the hills. They don't sense the tugging at my heart as our plane pushes back from the gate. They don't feel the ache as I accept that a few more years will now go by before I get to hear their hearts again or worship the Lord together in person with them. They don't grasp that I feel like a visitor at churches we have spent years with, because there are so many new faces. They don't understand that we scratch our heads that a fast food burger that used to be $1 is now $4. They don't see how we could feel foreign in our passport culture.

Then there are other times when I am feeling quite the opposite about it all, for indeed as time goes by I feel an ever-deepening closeness to those of whom the Scripture passages above speak of! These are my brothers and sisters who have gone before me, leaving all that they knew behind them for the greatest purpose there ever was! How could I do anything but rejoice along with them, even through the suffering! These are the people who feel ever more like my true friends, largely in part because I now share in their longing for that 'heavenly country'. The sense of longing for home here on earth, although quite real and heart-breaking at times, essentially becomes completely eclipsed by the longing for 'a heavenly country', for 'a better country'! There simply is no place on this earth that will ever fully feel like "mine". For the "home" that I long for is really a person. It's the Person that I long for-  it's Jesus Himself! On the day when we are finally with Him face to face for all of eternity, then I will at last feel like I have a foundation to stand on, a place to plant roots, a place to call Home.