Love and Broken-Heartedness

"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love."

I heard this in a song the other day.
It reminded me of this C.S. Lewis quote about love:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I consider that if my heart is broken over something, that perhaps there is love involved. Depending on the object of my affection (conscious or sub-conscious), this broken-heartedness can be good or bad. (Fruitful or destructive?)

We say that love is more than a feeling. I agree. It moves into action. It is often represented by action, seemingly alone.

I would wonder then if broken-heartedness is likewise more than a feeling. I believe it moves into action, and is often represented by action, seemingly alone.

Broken-heartedness and love can go hand in hand.

After all, this is how He so willingly and completely embraces us in spite of how deeply we have broken His heart. 

And so, walking in His footsteps, we can learn to so willingly and completely embrace others in spite of how deeply they have broken our hearts. 

A misconception in missions work is that it is love for the people that drives missionaries on. But missionaries who have been there know better (and others like myself have learned from their testimonies). It is not love for the people that keeps a missionary on the field, but love for Christ~ and obedience to HIM, because of HIS perfect love and longing for them. Our emotion of love will fade. Even our action of love or action of our our broken-heartedness for their lost state will draw up insufficient. Why? Because that is our own effort. We can do nothing but look upon Him. And after all, what a relief! For HE will build His Church. What an immense joy and privilege to be a part of His plan! For He takes me in my insufficiencies and my weaknesses, and He speaks clearly in spite of my stammering lips, and He serves boldly in spite of my trembling hands.

May He love. Again and again. Even through my "not-enough-ness." 

The Lucky Few

Some of us just get pooped on.

Source: http://10000birds.com/enlightenment-through-bird-poop.htm

It's as though it was always meant to happen.

For as long as I can remember, I've been that person who trips over her shadow, walks into trees and doors and walls, gets pooped on by birds, and tells jokes backwards.

I was at a wedding last weekend. The best man, the brother of the groom, gave a great toast in which he shared some humorous anecdotes about his experience growing up. He felt that throughout his life, his "purpose" was to make his brother look good- by means of his shortcomings, or even his failures. He wasn't disrespecting himself, but rather enjoying the difference between him and his brother.

In some ways, I could make the same argument, that perhaps the reason I've been so lucky as to be clumsy and be the brunt of jokes and be in the wrong place at the wrong time (or the right place/right time from the birds' perspectives...), is so that others can both find amusement, and so they can look good. Hehe!! Like the groomsman, I don't say this in self-disrespect, but I kind of enjoy the idea that someone else breathes a happy sigh of relief if I take the bird poop.

Also, after washing the crow poop out of my hair yesterday (yes, I got pooped on yesterday- almost twice within an hour), I wondered if it isn't all preparation for my life ahead in the jungle. For the many times I will no doubt trip over roots, walk into trees and doors and walls, get pooped on by birds or attacked by other vicious creatures like spiders, and not understand jokes or be able to tell them... MAYBE, just maybe, my life experience has prepared me to not fall apart in those moments, but to be able to find humor in it and perhaps laugh at myself. :)

You see, there has never been a season in my life in which I thought the world was right, or that life was 'good'. For me, it's 'always' been 'wrong'.

But that doesn't mean I am obligated to feel and live as though it is a complete disaster. It gives me the opportunity to choose my response. To choose to be devastated, to choose to bury my head in the sand, or to choose to lift my eyes. I've learned that real living in the midst of this life comes from lifting my eyes to Christ, the author of life.

This doesn't by any means imply that I have it down, and that I always respond well. Those who know me are well aware that it is a continual struggle for me to choose the best response when I walk into a tree.

I won't lie- I'm encouraged when I realize I'm not the only lucky one who has such great encounters with nature. Naya walked into a wall as she headed to her room this evening. As we comforted her, I felt some inner joy and pride, knowing that she carries my genes. :) ... poor child. :)

When the Sun Goes Down

A couple nights ago, we took a ferry across the water from Bremerton to Seattle. BEAUTIFUL trip. To make it even better, the sun was slowly sinking into the Olympic mountain range, so the world glowed with an orange hue. Then that moment comes- the radiance suddenly lifts as the sun hides below the horizon.
Taking a breath, I immediately tried to remember what I felt just seconds ago, what I had seen. The memory made me smile. But I could not feel it as keenly as when I was experiencing it.

And I thought about how rich I am.

How rich He has made me in the blessing of special moments, special places, special people.

Just like the setting of the sun, all of these incredible gifts are two things:
1) Incredible gifts!
2) Fading

When I soak up the warmth of the gifts He has placed all around me, I am able to find enjoyment in this life He has given me. Too often I've taken advantage of them, perhaps with the notion that they would last, and last in an unchanging manner- whether it be a moment, or a place to make a memory, or a relationship. The challenge then lies here: do I believe that the setting of the sun, or the changing of a gift if you will, is a lessening of His blessing? Do I believe He is taking it away from me and casting me into a season of shivering and longing for the warmth of that direct sunlight? Or can I see the beauty at dusk? (Ok, it's no secret that dusk has long been the time of day I hate most... try being a grumpy teenager weeding in the garden at dusk. So hard to see that I end up putting whole handfuls of soil into the yardwaste container...)

When the sun goes down, will I choose to remain thankful?
When the sun goes down, will my vision change?
When the sun goes down, will I keep breathing in and out?
When the sun goes down, will He remain faithful?

Like anything in life, the season and the perspective changes. A gift I was given and held onto dearly and cherished and rejoiced in... might reshape and change over time. That doesn't make it any less of a gift. Nor does that mean I should toss it out, like tossing out the good soil along with the weeds. I have the opportunity to grow and change along with it, and to embrace it in its new form. I have the good challenge to accept it for what it is now.