Brooms ~ Part 3

Those of you who have been following my blog for awhile now will find the following significant:

My (new) co-worker asked me the other day, "Could you please buy a broom for your house?"

That's right.

A broom!

Not a mop. Not a bucket. Not a set of dishes. Not a bed. Not anything except for the one household item I've blogged about that has been the source of much contemplation and reflection- a broom.

I don't find it a coincidence at all! In fact,  I almost look at it as a huge (and slightly humorous) confirmation for my female heart that we are headed exactly where He planned for us to go, long before I even blogged about brooms. It's almost another "I am with you!" from the Lord.

You see, we are moving into an existing work. We will be the third missionary family to move into this little house. Because of that, the house is reasonably equipped with some kitchen and household supplies. Not everything, as some things have deteriorated, been sold, been passed around, or disappeared over the last decade. So we are bringing some things with us, yes. But one of the things that disappeared recently was my co-worker's broom! While they were recently on home assignment in the states (furlough), their broom 'picked up and walked away'. (Theft is a sad and sadly common reality in this location, and many other tribal locations.) So after they returned to the tribe, she needed a broom, and there was a decent one in the empty house (soon to be OUR house), so she is now using that one. This is what led her to ask me to buy a broom.

I did smile when I read her request, and I'm happy to buy a broom. I believe it speaks to my heart at just the right time. The work we are joining has a clear role for my husband- discipleship of men. My role is not AS crystal clear anymore - I simply mean in comparison with our initial thought of starting from 'ground zero' in a new church planting work. I had imagined and become prepared for teaching literacy, being involved in initial translation, and being ready to disciple new believers. While some of that is definitely still an option and a need, going into an existing work changes the details. Literacy may or may not be a need for some time. Translation is still needed, but it is well underway by one of our co-workers. I will hopefully have the opportunity to disciple new believing ladies, but there are several current believing ladies who are now being discipled by our other co-worker. I will be able to join in once we've learned the language. But it all sure looks a bit different than I had anticipated!

Sometimes after I've been sweeping for awhile, the broom collects all sorts of hair and fuzzies, and doesn't sweep as sharply as I'd like it to. And sometimes that causes me to wonder if I'm accomplishing anything, or if I should just let someone else do the job. But I know that the Lord doesn't look at anyone else's work as He looks at mine. He's not 'up there' comparing me with the next woman and her broom. His eyes are ever on ME when He looks at ME. We are the ones who compare against each other. If my path or my role in church planting seems full of fuzzies to me, it's a clear reminder to me to fix my eyes sharply on Him, the One who has marked out my path before me. It is HE who will build His church, not me. I am simply called to be faithful. I am called to build into my marriage with lasting materials. I am called to parent my children with lasting materials. I am called to invest in others with lasting materials. His goal for me is not that I "accomplish", but that I know Him intimately so that He Himself can overflow out of me.

I am not sure in what specific ways He will use me. But I am sure that He will use me. And I am even more sure that He wants me to know Him. And so I will throw away the hair and fuzzies at the end of the broom, those discouraging doubt-blobs, and keep moving forward in knowing and loving Him each day, trusting that He will make the path clear before me in His perfect way and timing. ... I wouldn't be surprised if much of it is hindsight, turning around to see a beautiful, well-kept reflection of the King. "And you thought all that sweeping each day was worthless?!"

(...and yes, I will be putting names on the handle of my broom, as I mentioned before. I'm excited for the extra reminder to pray for you and think of you!)

He Does Not Set Us Aside

I think I've been mistaken.

For as long as I can recall my heart being captivated by Christ and compelled to be involved in 'missions' (His mission), I've understood it to be a sacrificial lifestyle that consists of:

-Letting go of my rights

-The laying down of my life

-Giving up my earthly desires

-Setting myself aside

But as the Lord has led our hearts gently and gracefully toward this one specific church planting work, I've discovered something that took me by surprise. I've discovered that in the midst of us uprooting our family and moving across the world to pursue people that His heart longs for, He has all the while been pursuing ME.

Now I'm sure you can relate- there are times in my life when I have felt set aside. That is a tremendously painful feeling. But as I've traveled this road of 'missions', I resigned myself to willingly set myself aside for the sake of the Gospel. And I was ok with that! I think that in my mind, I settled quite contentedly with the idea that I was setting myself aside… and that God Himself also was 'setting me aside' so that He can do His work through me as a vessel, an instrument, a tool. Now I didn't view this as a bad thing. And maybe it shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing. But I'm not convinced anymore that it is a complete picture of how He uses us. It certainly doesn't reflect how deeply He treasures us, does it?

I believe I missed something very important that Jesus said to His disciples. He said "Whoever loses his life for My sake will FIND it."

Find it? Ok. Wow. He did NOT say that 'whoever loses his life for My sake will (simply) lose it.' Maybe this 'finding' of the life we have lost for His sake points us directly back to our Father's heart. And maybe this 'finding' of our life does not mean that we have to search for it, but rather that we find out that He has already found us. We let go of our life and place it in His hands, and it is in that moment that we find it again- right there in His hands. Not on a shelf in the upper corner. Right in His hands!

This loss of life is not a place of emptiness, but a place of deepest fullness. It not a place void of feeling, but it is a place where our heart wrenches in a joyful pain at the realization of how fully He loves and treasures us each day. (I think John Mark McMillan captured this joyfully painful realization well in his song "How He Loves".) This losing of life does not mean that ours does not count any longer- now it simply counts for more than just breathing and surviving day in and day out.

I am finding that in the very losing of my life for His sake, He is not in fact setting me aside. He is not simply using me for the sake of others, to then treasure me later. No! I am His daughter, and He treasures me NOW. Today. Yes He will use me as a vessel, but more importantly He delights and sings over each one of His vessels. How can I forget the principles of His Word that I've so delighted to share with others, about the Father's longing for you and I as His children to be conformed to the image of His Son? He does not set me aside, nor does He set aside His purpose for me in this life.

I think as we have charged ahead into this lifestyle of overseas missionary work, I have forgotten that He also values ME and desires to mold and shape MY heart on a daily basis. I was ok to set myself aside. But He is not like me. And His thoughts are not my thoughts. He does not set His children aside. As I have moved forward in serving Him, He has stopped me in my tracks to remind me that He cares for me and desires to ever deepen my relationship with Himself. (After all, a hungry sheep cannot serve well. We must feast on Him so that we will have strength to serve. We must know His voice intimately, so that we can guide others to Him.)

I am overwhelmed that He does not set me aside. I was mistaken. But now I know. And my heart is glad!

And SO… as we prepare now to move into this tribe and learn the language and embrace the privilege we are being given to come alongside these believers, I have been experiencing deeper and deeper communion with Him, and am reminded afresh (yes, "afresh"…clearly I watched a British period drama recently…) that His desire for ME is the same as His desire for any other believer from any other nation- that I would love Him and know Him, and that ultimately He will conform me into the image of Christ, His dear Son, my Savior. He has purposefully marked out this specific plan for me so that He can nurture me through each and every step. And likewise for you.

What are you stepping into today? Do you feel 'set aside', whether by people, or by painful circumstances in your life? By God? Look again, into His face, into His Word. Take His hands and look into them, and find there your life, hidden in Christ! He does not set us aside.

When There Are No Fireworks

11:50pm on New Year’s Eve, I happened to wake up from my sleep. “Great!” I thought, “I’ll keep myself awake long enough to hear what kind of commotion happens at midnight here on the island.”

So I turned off the fan above my head, surrendering to the hot, humid tropical air. And I waited. 11:57. 11:58. … Then it was 12:02am. Nothing. Not even chatter! No shouts of joy. No PNG-style music blasting from boom boxes (Yes, boom boxes. And yes, they carry them on their shoulder haha). No Auld Lang Syne. No glasses clinking together. And no fireworks. Not even one!

After my initial surprise, I laughed to myself, then turned my fan back on, and fell quickly back asleep.

Throughout New Year’s Day, I kept wondering to myself about the silence around me, during what is for many people and cultures in the world a loud and exciting celebratory moment! And finally what I concluded is this: the lack of fireworks didn’t lessen the celebration. It didn’t change New Year’s Day to being anything but that- the very first day of the new year.  And this reminded me that my feelings may change, but the truth does not change. Fireworks tease the senses, but the reality remains the same.

Two days after New Year’s Day, we took a banana boat to town to get some supplies. It turned out that the sea was choppy, it was drizzly and windy, and the sky was gray and ominous. And in my heart I wrestled with fear and doubt! As we bounced along over dark ocean swells in our little piece of fiberglass (Noe interjects that if the boat breaks in half, both halves will float, so no worries… except the motor won’t float, so don’t hold on to the motor…), I thought back to the day we first arrived to the tribe here for our bush orientation…

The sun was glistening over the turquoise waters, rainbow fish were jumping and singing (ok that part maybe isn’t true), the sea was as calm as a lake, and we glided along, as if in a tropical paradise, and my heart felt at rest, excited for the ministry He has for us.

The harsher reality of the stormy day reminds me that God is the same God – sparkling sunshine or stormy seas. His heart for the unreached and His plan to reach them through His Church do not change when there are no fireworks. And let me tell you, there are often no fireworks. (I know, I didn’t have to tell you.)

I think sometimes we get the illusion that missionary life is ‘romantic’ – the travel! The new language and culture! The exciting lifestyle! The beautiful babies! But the reality is – travel is stressful. Learning a new language and culture is taxing and often embarrassing (like the time I told some ladies “Sure, I’ll wash you while you play basketball!”). The novelty of a new lifestyle wears out quickly, and routine is just as routine as anyone’s. The babies – well yes they are beautiful, but scrubbing all the who-knows-what off of your clothes at the end of the day isn’t quite as attractive. No fireworks here.

Just next to the house we’re staying in is a haus kuk (a simple shelter where people will make a fire to cook food). Some of the children who live close by have decided this haus kuk is a great place to hang out and make lots of noise. All day, every day! While this is great fun for our girls, it makes the elements of our day very interesting – whether we are trying to study Tok Pisin, or have a language session, or rest. (No fireworks here either.) We call this a definite opportunity to be stretched. J

And as I pick up my broom for the 5^th time each afternoon, and sweep the sand out of the house, I think of fellow moms and friends who battle the mundane every day. And I am no different. Sometimes it seems different, maybe because I boarded a huge airplane and plopped myself down on that type of remote island that we always joke about being stranded on, and am removed from a lifestyle of constancy and matching dishes. But my days still look surprisingly ‘mundane’ and non-fireworky (Yes, I’m sure that’s a thing. Just like “Stress-paralyzed”…). And I wrestle with it just the same. Sometimes I just want fireworks! (And sometimes my kids drive me so crazy that I’m tempted to make some fireworks of my own!) Sometimes I want “big” moments, and sometimes I want applause. But the life that aims to live for the glory of Christ finds a different goal and experience.

I read 1 Thessalonians 4.11-12:

“Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”

And 2 Thessalonians 3.8-9.

“…we worked night and day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you. We did this, not because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to make ourselves a model for you to follow.”

The mundane and non-fireworky ‘silence’ of our lives by no means lessens the moment or changes His incredible desire for you and for me to know Him and walk in Him. On the contrary – our faithfulness in the silence strengthens the power and brightness of the fireworks. The many nights of silence contribute a stunning magnificence to the moment a firework bursts in the sky! In the same way, the gentleness and quietness of our lives creates a platform for the King of Glory to be exalted through us. The life we live and work out each and every day is an opportunity to model the perfect love and servanthood of Christ. We model it to ourselves as we fight our own grumpiness (or is that just me?). We model it to our spouse. To our whining, arguing toddlers. To our children who ‘just can’t take’ another day of schoolwork. To our friends. To our family. To unbelievers. To new believers. To all. We sweep on, again and again, when there are no fireworks. And we smile big when there is one! We sweep in the sunshine, and we sweep during the storm. We sweep because we joyfully anticipate the day when HE will “walk through our door”. We sweep because of this incredible hope that we have in Him.

And we lie down at night, soak in the silence, and smile. We laugh to ourselves, turn on the fan, and fall quickly asleep so we can wake again tomorrow and do it all over again. And this? This is glorious work! Maybe there are fireworks…

Dogs on the Runway

“1 adult and 3 children?” the ticket agent asked Noe as we checked in for our flight out of Goroka last Monday.

“Yes. …. Wait, no! 2 adults and 2 children! That’s my wife there with them!”

Of course there are often some definite compliments attached to such a misunderstanding, haha.

After we checked in for the flight, we left the airport and drove down the street to the grocery store which has a little cafe inside, and enjoyed cappuccinos with the friend/fellow missionary who was our driver for the morning. (Yes, cappuccinos while waiting for a flight in PNG! Right?!)

We returned to the airport at boarding time, but the plane had not arrived yet. Well, the plane arrived nearly an hour later, so we finally boarded and settled in for the flight. The plane taxied to the end of the runway and prepared for takeoff.

We began the race down the runway, but then suddenly the pilot hit the brakes and we quickly slowed to a stop! As we sat there giving each other confused looks, the plane turned around right there on the runway, taxied back to the end of the runway, and then turned around once more and waited to be cleared again for takeoff. 

At this point the pilot spoke up, telling us the reason for the sudden stop was that a dog had run out onto the runway! (This was after hearing other passengers muttering rumors such as “there was another plane” or “there was a man”… uh-HUH…) Next thing we knew, we were in the air, on our way to our bush orientation. Eventful start!

I’m a bit apprehensive about flying. As I was recently telling another missionary lady, I’d still choose flying over a slippery mountain road. But the Lord and I continually have intense conversations when I’m sitting in a winged tin can thousands of feet up in the air. 

So this runway incident, while slightly humorous (*quickly stopping a plane that is thundering down a runway at full speed probably veers into the “dangerous” category*), served to be another picture to me of His hand of provision and guidance of my life, and even of my every step. For indeed, what could stop a fully charged plane from getting down that runway? A little dog? 

Yes, something that small. He can use any big or small thing to guide our feet on that straight, even path that He urges us to trust Him to provide in Proverbs.

I remember when I had first learned of New Tribes Mission, 11 years ago. A group of us students asked the missionary many questions that afternoon, including the question of “How can I know if God wants me to do this or that? (since there are so many good things I could do with this life to bring Him glory)” The missionary essentially encouraged us to ‘get on board the train’ of what we believe He is leading us to, and just GO! Why? Because He is FULLY able to stop us in our tracks at any point along the way. He can (and does) guide us fully, as we are fully willing to let Him.

It is for this reason that dogs on the runway do not shatter my faith. Dogs on the runway do not cause me to think “Oh no! Such-and-such has happened, so now what is to be done?” Even the apostle Paul experienced ‘dogs on the runway’, such as his desire to go and preach in Macedonia, but the Spirit would not allow him to go. He was not perplexed by this. Rather, he recognized that the Lord simply would have a different plan and/or a different timeline for him and his ministry.

This missionary lifestyle, with very obvious ‘dogs on the runway’, has quickly strengthened my faith in His leading. I don’t know which direction this ‘plane’ is heading, but I feel confident that He will lead and guide it absolutely perfectly! I feel so privileged to have the opportunity to be a part of this lifestyle and this amazing work, if nothing other than the opportunity to grow in my understanding of how He leads and guides His children so specifically and so lovingly.

After all, His greatest desire for me, and for you, is not that we serve and ‘do’, but that we become conformed to the image of Christ. (And as we become more and more like Him, then and only then can we serve and ‘do’ with the right motivation. Amen?) Let’s encourage one another to get to know Him and understand His heart. Then we can serve Him together out of our undying love for Him.

My First Cessna

On Monday, I will fly in a teeny tiny plane for the first time. (With my family) 

I've anticipated this moment for about 10 years! One morning, when Noe and I were dating, he picked me up from my apartment in Cannon Beach and we drove down to Nehalem Bay State Park for a few hours. At one point we found ourselves at the little airstrip, and a small Cessna was parked there. 

I already anticipated career mission work, so as I looked at this plane, I felt like I was getting a tiny glimpse into my future. "One day," I said to Noe, "I will probably fly in one of these tiny ( death traps* )!"

10 years have passed, and now here I am, about to step into a Cessna! I praise The Lord for His faithfulness in guiding me (with my family!) here to this place in life, to this place in His purpose, and to this geographical place. 

I also praise Him for the folks at Prestige Brands who have 'provided' me with Dramamine to help me enjoy my flight. Ha...ha...

*death traps is a modification from the original statement. "Planes" was likely the original word.

Tunnel Vision

It is easy for me to develop tunnel vision. So dreadfully easy.

If I suddenly recognize a need (or let's face it, sometimes it's actually a want), there are times when all my mind can think about is that one perfect solution that I've so brilliantly figured out.

If I just had this, then...

If things were this way, then...

I startled myself with this reality 2 weeks ago, when I found myself injured and in need of something I did not have. (In this case I needed crutches, which was in fact a wise solution.) But as the hours and days throbbed by with no crutches, I was struck by how so much of my contentment was threatened by not having that one thing that I was sure would make all the difference.

The contentment was not taken from me, but it was threatened. For indeed, no one can rob us of that which Christ provides- we can simply choose not to experience it. My friend Jessie shared this quote some months ago which illustrates this quite well: 

"When I don't fight the battle against grumpiness well enough to win, I let the Enemy wear my face."

Not choosing to abide in Christ in my 'moments' means I'm choosing not to experience the contentment and joy He so fully and freely offers to me. And that leaves me standing on my own two feet, somehow believing that I have what it takes to 'get through this' on my own.

And I have to wonder what I am looking toward to make me whole. Is that earthly crutch for which I was so desperate going to satisfy me through and through?

'Modeling' the crutches on our x-ray
adventure at the haus sik last week.
(And a subtle "Old Navy" ad...)

 I'll tell you today that it's NOT!! It's rainy today, and after coming home from our morning class, I followed my girls into the house. Even though I was very careful since I knew they had just mopped the floor for me (since they thought it a fun idea to go "swimming" on the basketball court), one of my crutches finally hit an invisible slippery spot and my bad foot "helped" me catch myself (ouch)
. Hey, recovery is supposed to be painful anyway... Haha! 

Crutches are great!!! But crutches do not heal my foot. Crutches help me stand, but they do not teach me how to stand on my own. I must always widen my perspective, looking upward from the fading gifts of this world, to the unfading, faithful promises of Christ!

As we are searching for what church planting work The Lord would have us be a part of, one of the 'crutches' that I must learn to hold loosely is Bible translation. The Lord put it on my heart about 15 years ago to be a part of Bible translation. (!) But here's the thing- who am I.......who am I to determine just what exactly He had in mind when He gave me that desire?! 

I think we do this a lot as believers. "God told me this, therefore (this is what it should look like)." Then we can become so shocked and disappointed when things don't play out as we had so wisely mapped out. 

Perhaps He gave me the desire to be involved in Bible translation not because I would personally do it (although I would love to!), but because He wanted me to understand deeply the preciousness of His Word. Why do I limit the options for how HE will bring about HIS plans and HIS Church? He gave me gifts and desires. Sometimes we hear "He wants to use your gifts." Well frankly, He wants to use YOU. (Don't you suppose I laugh that He gave me the gift of music, particularly piano? Imagine...if I had said "well, I know there are so many unreached language groups in the world today. But He wants to use my gifts. So I cannot go into tribal church planting." Guess what? He also gave me the 'gift' of arachnophobia! Don't you see? Depending on my willingness to follow and be used of Him, I can essentially 'manipulate' whatever gifts or desires I have. And I can make them all sound spiritual and legitimate when necessary.) Desires of my heart? Ha! "The heart is deceitful above all things..."

But His heart? Trustworthy, pure, faithful, loving, and clear in His desire and plan for the world.

Ok Lord...this desire was Yours to begin with. As was the plan. Widen my perspective from the fading gifts of this world, to the unfading, faithful promises of Christ!

When Life Gives you Tang...

Alright, did anyone else have a flashback to children's Sunday school just now? I remember sitting in my little chair waiting for my little Dixie cup of orange Tang and a short stack of Ritz crackers. :)

Childhood aside, I have no palate for Tang anymore. I'm not a person to spend my energy trying to avoid all artificial sweeteners, but I simply don't care for Tang.

But sometimes things come up in my life that perhaps I don't prefer. Or that I was not expecting. Or maybe things that offer the promise of sweetness but only leave me disappointed or nauseated later. 

I feel like I should be used to this by now. So I have to laugh when I catch myself thinking that something will go according to our plans, or hopes! Ha!

Well to be fair, there are times when things do turn out as we imagined. The "trick" lies in our expectations. Are we able to roll with ever-changing circumstances? Or are we still stuck in the infantile way of screaming and thrashing about when the waves come?

When "life" gives me unexpected Tang (preferably orange), what is my response? Am I 'man enough' to drink it? Do I trust that The Lord has my well-being in mind? Or do I believe that when MY plans change that HE has left me? 

What is more, I believe that even if I must drink some Tang (preferably not pineapple), that He would have me refresh the whole of my being with water. The pure water of the Word. And this is a water source that is always available to me. It never runs dry. It always fulfills. It never disappoints. It fully quenches. And it delights my soul.

Recently we have been given some Tang.  Elements of our transition to life overseas that we're unexpected. Happenings back home that have an unpleasant taste. Decisions about our immediate future that have been challenging to swallow. 

But even with times of heartache, we are finding water! We are finding that The Lord is faithful - He is ever present, ever leading and guiding, and never far off.

I feel like this lifestyle offers us ample opportunities to taste Tang (mango?), and ample opportunities to find Him faithful!

Because The Lord is at my right hand, I will not be shaken!