A Still, Small Voice

I somehow conjured up the idea in my mind that going overseas as a missionary meant that God would use me in "front lines" ways, such as speaking boldly, teaching the masses (women), constantly getting my 'hands dirty', and basically being 'front and center'.

Historically He has not used me in such ways. I've always been a behind-the-scenes, quiet kind of a worker. He has used me more in quiet conversations, one-on-one intentional times with younger girls, the work of hospitality and encouragement. He hasn't used me to be the convincer, the arguer, the teacher, the one way-down-in-the thick-of-everything person. (With the exceptions of children's ministry and leading music)

So I've continually re-evaluated my life, my thinking, and my role as a wife/mom/homeschool teacher/language and culture learner/missionary/discipler (and hopefully soon also translator!). It's often a huge, crazy juggling act. And it's often difficult for me to order my priorities each day. In fact, I've just emerged from an unhealthy season of thinking I needed to accomplish all of those things in a day, or I wasn't living up to His expectations of me. (Spoiler: This was dangerously unhealthy, faulty thinking, and His expectations of me were never that I would do all of that in order to please Him!) But even now, having a healthier perspective on who I am in Christ and what He would have me do here in Tigak for Him, the question that has come to my mind again and again is this:

"Why would He suddenly use me in new and different ways? Why wouldn't He continue to use me the way He has historically used me?" He created me perfectly, according to His Word, and the more and more I consider all of this, the more I am content with the idea that He is delighted to use me exactly the way He made me. Does He want to grow and stretch me? Well certainly He does- but His goal is to make me more like Christ, not to make me 'like someone else' (anyone else here on earth). So if He grows and stretches me in any way, it is for the purpose of molding my character and making me like Christ and bringing glory to His Name. But the way that He made me, the personality and characteristics He gave me, are pleasing in His sight, and He will use me here if I am willing.

If He wants to use me in big ways, so be it! And if He wants to use me in small ways, so be it! But here's another place I went wrong: I somehow decided in my mind that being used in small ways was less glorious in His eyes than being used in big ways. I believe my thoughts to that end were foolish.

I can't help but think of the story of Elijah and His longing to see the glory of the Lord (1 Kings 19). In Elijah's despair from persecution, he spent the night in a mountain cave. The LORD was going to pass by, and as Elijah watched, a huge wind passed by, but the LORD was not in the wind. Then an earthquake struck, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. Than a fire came, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came "a gentle whisper", or "a still, small voice". And Elijah, hearing that still, small voice, knew it was the LORD and came out to the mouth of the cave and the LORD spoke to Him.

I would by no means misinterpret or misapply this passage of Scripture. But I do think one things we can learn from it is that the LORD does not always communicate/move/work in grand, mighty, majestic ways. In fact, those "still, small voice" ways of His are sometimes even more grand, mighty, and majestic, are they not?

I believe that He does not simply "put up with" those of us who are more of the "still, small voice", "gentle whisper" kind of people. No, I believe that He truly delights to use us in soft, gentle, subtle ways that will bring Him tremendous glory. I believe that the common denominator for all of us as His children and His servants is summed up by one word: WILLINGNESS.

If we are willing to let Him use us, He will use us! He will use some of us in grand, mighty, and majestic ways. And He will use others of us in "still, small voice" ways. Both will bring Him glory, and He will use all of us to build His Church here on earth, until the day He comes for us!

What They Longed For

"(Abraham) obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. ... like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents..."

"...for he was looking forward to the city with foundations, 

whose architect and builder is God."

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them."

"...They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had something better planned for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."

~excerpts from Hebrews 11

There are some things about this type of lifestyle (overseas missionary work) that are rather difficult. This is me sharing about one of them.

I still remember the day back in summer 2009 when our U-Haul rental trailer showed up. We were committed, so it wasn't by any means a moment of fear to pack up what belongings we hadn't sold and move across the country. But it was very surreal. Surreal to uproot our entire lives, not knowing exactly where we were going, and proceed to walk this road by faith. It's counter-cultural to much of this world to not have roots planted in the soil. To not have a foundation. (Yes, even though the houses in the tribe don't generally have concrete foundations, they do have their own form of foundations- posts that are planted deep into the earth.) It is, to say it simply, unsettling to not be settled. I'm not too terribly 'girly' in general... in fact, my husband is much more of a "Martha Stewart" than I am... I remember finding some small shelves at a thrift store once and asking him if they would work for one of our rooms, but alas, "they didn't match." Haha! But in all seriousness, as a woman I do find that the deepest part of me has a longing to be settled, to have roots planted, to have a foundation to stand on. This lifesetyle has essentially made us sojourners/travelers. Consequently, no matter what home we go to (and we have lived in so many over the last decade!), it never quite feels like "mine". In fact, the longer we live this journey, the less ANYthing feels like "mine", be it a house, or a country, or a local church, or even a friend. I don't feel like any of those things belong to me, and I don't anymore feel like I quite belong to any of them.

There are definitely times when my heart feels sad about this. The constant 'goodbyes' are a constant reminder to my heart of its reality. This lifestyle gives us the best reunions with family and friends, but they always feel much too short-lived. The people we leave behind can't feel my heart pounding as we drive away. They don't see the tear slip down my cheek as their home and their town fades off into the hills. They don't sense the tugging at my heart as our plane pushes back from the gate. They don't feel the ache as I accept that a few more years will now go by before I get to hear their hearts again or worship the Lord together in person with them. They don't grasp that I feel like a visitor at churches we have spent years with, because there are so many new faces. They don't understand that we scratch our heads that a fast food burger that used to be $1 is now $4. They don't see how we could feel foreign in our passport culture.

Then there are other times when I am feeling quite the opposite about it all, for indeed as time goes by I feel an ever-deepening closeness to those of whom the Scripture passages above speak of! These are my brothers and sisters who have gone before me, leaving all that they knew behind them for the greatest purpose there ever was! How could I do anything but rejoice along with them, even through the suffering! These are the people who feel ever more like my true friends, largely in part because I now share in their longing for that 'heavenly country'. The sense of longing for home here on earth, although quite real and heart-breaking at times, essentially becomes completely eclipsed by the longing for 'a heavenly country', for 'a better country'! There simply is no place on this earth that will ever fully feel like "mine". For the "home" that I long for is really a person. It's the Person that I long for-  it's Jesus Himself! On the day when we are finally with Him face to face for all of eternity, then I will at last feel like I have a foundation to stand on, a place to plant roots, a place to call Home. 

It's a Crock Pot Life

I. Am. Amazed.

Here we are in the USA for our first Home Assignment/Furlough.

Without wasting your time, or mine, since we are all very busy (apparently our American culture has folks trapped into thinking we are so busy that we MUST read and answer texts while we are driving in our cars??), I'll just get to the point.

Guys- my whole life feels like a crock pot. There are machines that are doing the work FOR me! I feel like I can "Fix It and Forget It" with all of these things:

• Food. I made pork carnitas a couple weeks ago in the crock pot. It was glorious to pop it in and have it be done a few hours later with zero effort on my part!
• Laundry. I can have a whole load washed, dried, folded and put away (ok, my kids do that part) in just a couple hours! I have a washer in the tribe, but not a dryer!! It's amazing!
• Dishes. There is a dishwasher in the house we are staying in. This machine is so much more of a time-saver than I even realized! I put them in dirty, and add this fancy-looking dishwasher soap tablet thingy, and a couple hours later I have clean, dry dishes.

I hope this doesn't turn me into a gripe when we return to PNG next year! :) Honestly though, that is why we strive for balance over there. We are not living over there just to 'live there'. We have a job to do, a very important job! So as a mission organization, they encourage us to consider what tools/resources will help us to be most effective in that job of church planting and discipling, translating... That is why pretty much all of us have washing machines for our clothes. There might be tribal locations with a dryer, or a crock pot.. I'm not sure. But it's also why we live in somewhat normal houses, and why many of us choose not to keep up a garden or chickens or whatnot. It's not wrong to make those choices either, but we are always wanting to consider what will give us the most time to both raise our own families, and to have the most time possible spent directly with the people the Lord has sent us to reach with His gospel of grace through Jesus Christ. 

Anyway, this is going to be a different year, for sure, with all these Fix-It-and-Forget-It machines at my disposal! It's glorious, and to be perfectly simple, it's just "really, really nice!" I'm sure my daughters don't mind either- they get a break from washing dishes by hand for a year. And all of these machines equal more time they can spend with me (like it or not, haha).

The Final 100m

I remember running the 400m dash in high school. (Anyone else?) Those of us who ran it had 'affectionately' called it the 'race from hell'. Some consider it the longest sprint (the longest of the sprinting races). Because you literally have to run the entire lap around the track with full exertion, or you are guaranteed last place, or at least a slow time.

I have very clear memories of feeling pretty awesome for the first 200m (thank you 200m dash for helping with that!). But by the time I was rounding that last curve, the sight of that final 100m made me feel like throwing in the towel/vomiting/quitting track altogether- EVERY TIME. The only time I felt great running that last 100m was when we competed against the only track team in our district that was smaller and, frankly, slower, than we were. The other schools we ran against ... well they basically had a budget for a track team (a nice track to train on, trained coaches, more than 15 members of the track team, and uniforms more recent than the 80's). I will say no more. But regardless, our little team stuck it out year after year, and whenever we ran against 'that one school', boy was it exhilarating to finish in 3rd, 2nd, and even 1st place!

But back to the beloved 400m dash. Training for this sprint was everything. I didn't turn into an Olympian by any means, but I learned well that it wasn't sufficient to only train up to 400m. No, in order to finish it well, you needed to train past 400m- you need to be able to keep the pace to 500m and 600m and beyond. By my senior year, I applied this better and better, and even qualified at the League level for the first time! (Yeah I know, League level..."whoopee". But hey, see the previous paragraph for subtle hints about the prestige of our tiny little team! We took whatever we could get and we ran with it! Ouch...)

But even after learning to train better, and nearly qualifying for the US Olympic team (clearly!), I still found myself feeling so tired, panicked, and eager to quit once I approached that final 100m of the race. Why?? Why, with so much training, and after running the same race for 3 years?? Why was I so tired?? BECAUSE THE RACE IS RIGOROUS! (And because I'm no Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Yes she was one of my track and field 'heros' growing up....and Michael Johnson! I wanted his gold spikes so badly!)

You know you wanted them too....
(Photo credit: Complex)

So here's where I'm at, being as honest as possible. We have been learning language and culture for about 3 years now. First Tok Pisin, and the last almost 2.5 years, Tigak. If you've followed our progress as we've had our CLA evaluations, you know that we are about 3/4 finished learning the language. That's right. There's your cheesy analogy. You knew it was coming! We are staring at the final 100m, and I. AM. TIRED. Despite spending 4 years in training, becoming equipped to be great learners, understanding the cost and the sacrifice of leaving much behind to go and make disciples in the 'uttermost parts of the earth'... despite all of this equipping, I find myself getting very tired. Why? Did I do something wrong? .. NO! It's because the race is rigorous! The Apostle Paul talks about training for and running a race well. You train rigorously, and you do not run aimlessly. No, you run hard so as to win the prize. Nothing easy about it.

Granted, this final '100m' of language learning is some of the toughest. It involves trying to grasp the elements of language at a discourse level (how to naturally connect paragraphs and thoughts, in essence). And because we are at this level of language learning, we are able to dive deeper into the culture. We are learning the "why"s, the motivations, and the beliefs that lie beneath the actions and behaviors happening around us.

I think some of my tiredness makes sense, because at this stage, when we sit down with a language helper/friend to explore these deeper areas of language and culture, it's much more taxing mentally than the early days of pointing to pictures of animals and trying to memorize them. But it's not just the language learning, it's balancing so much every day that is becoming more difficult for me.

So I need your prayer, that the Lord will grant me the energy I need each day:

• to get up and make the coffee and drink it, 
• to sit as His feet and let Him teach me His Word (fancy talk for "read the Bible"), 
• to savor my time homeschooling my dear daughters, to enjoy them for who they are, and raise them in His ways
• to delight in making meals for my family
• to be content in my work of taking care of the home so as to be a joy and helper to my husband
• to be a diligent language and culture learner in this last 100m, because the CLA days are nearly gone!
• to listen and hear His voice regarding any discipleship I should be doing at this time of learning
• to have wisdom in balancing all of the above, and not to put undue guilt or pressure on myself, because that is not of Him

Would you please stop scrolling for a minute and pray for those things? I am your sister in Christ, and I would be very grateful for your prayers, because I am very tired, but I want to run this final 100m whole-heartedly, and with as much strength and zeal as possible, so as to cross the finish line WELL!

Thank you!

I'm looking forward to the free banana, granola bar, and water bottle at the end of this race.

(Photo credit: "For the Win USA Today", Rio Olympics 2016)

Doing Ministry as a FAMILY

Our kids are in this with us. They've been in it with us since day one. Since they day the Lord blessed us with children, we wanted to glorify Him among the nations together as a FAMILY. We believe that once He gave us children, our responsibility was to raise them in His ways. And what is "His way"? To bring glory to His Name by reconciling mankind back to Himself through the death of His beloved Son, Jesus Christ. By loving our kids within our family, we model and teach them His loving, just, and merciful character and relationship toward us! And by having them minister alongside of us, we model and teach them His heart for mankind.

Some of the ways our kids are involved include:

-helping to give out bandaids and medicine each afternoon.

-answering simple requests at the door (we actively encouraged and helped them learn the national language so that they can feasibly do this. And they are learning bits and pieces of the tribal language as well).

-building relationships with the Tigak kids in the village. They play with them, cook food together over a fire, and sometimes Naya even does a litte "Bible study" with some of the girls her age.

But just last week, my children were actively involved in ministry in a very different way, 

bless their little precious hearts. Here's how the story goes.

One of the ladies, a believer, came and sat with me outside our house in the afternoon shade. Meanwhile, several young kids played together on the tire swing.

After some time,  the mama of one 3-year-old boy stood at quite a distance and called for him to come. (This young woman is also a believer, we are pretty sure.) She called for him several times, but he did not respond. Finally, she called again and as he continued to swing, he turned his head and looked toward her... and then looked away again. A couple good minutes went by, and I looked toward her, and she was still just standing there at a distance. She called him again, and he didn't respond.

So because of the relationships I've been gradually building with these ladies, I went over to the swing, stopped it, and told him (and all the children), "Your mama called for you, but you didn't answer. You need to listen when she calls you and obey what she asks of you!" He looked at me and again I said, "Listen to her voice, and obey what she tells you." He just watched me. So I gently lifted him off the swing. As I did this, he began to get off the swing on his own, and started walking toward her.

'Great!', I thought. But then he turned around to get back on the swing. So I helped turn him around and coaxed him toward his mama, saying the same thing to him again. This time he made it farther, and I was sure we'd accomplished the goal! ... Until he took off sideways to mess around with some big 'flower pots'. (Gahh!)

So I lifted him up again and put him on the right path toward his mama, repeating the same thing yet again. As we approached his mama, with me keeping him on track, I kept saying the same thing so that she might hear it as well. Finally she picked him up and took him home.

This prompted a great conversation with the lady I had been sitting with. I asked her if she thought it was good what had happened between the young mama and her son. She asked, "Are you asking if she was wrong, or he was wrong?" Before answering, I talked with her about how God treats us as His children. When He speaks to us, does He follow through on what He says? Does He keep His Word? I explained that we have the responsibility to teach our children who He is. That is the best way to parent them, because it shows His character: loving, trustworthy, faithful.

Ultimately I asked her if it was right that the little boy didn't respond to her the first time? She said no. But I asked her if it was helpful for his mama to stand far away and yell his name over and over (and not doing anything else)? She thought for a brief second, then said no.

Look at those angel faces... ready to 'minister' at all times! :)

I told her that when my kids were that age, I had to help them to obey what I told them, and to obey the first time I said it.

AS I'M TELLING HER THIS, MY DARLING CHILDREN HAVE BEGUN RUNNING AROUND US IN CIRCLES, SCREAMING AND BEING SUPER SILLY! So I tell them, "Please stop and go somewhere else, we are trying to talk."

Naturally, RIGHT ON CUE, my children.... KEEP RUNNING AROUND US, SCREAMING AND BEING SUPER SILLY. So I tell them to go inside the house because they didn't obey me. One child obeys (PTL). The other child sits down next to me and says, "No." (!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?) I say to her, "I asked you to go inside. Now go inside." She stands up and whines, "But I don't want to go insiiiiiiide!!" Beginning to feel the fruits of the Spirit drift beyond my reach, I tell her firmly to go inside and sit in her room until I come and talk with her. Thankfully she obeyed, albeit stomping and making disgruntled noises.

I turn again to my believer friend, and ask her, "Did you see that? See, even my own children have trouble obeying my words."

She giggled with understanding, then asked me, "You said that when your children were young, you used to help them to obey you. How do you do that?" So I explained that when they were young, I would ask/tell them to do something, and if they didn't obey the first time, I would go to them and gently put them in position, or take them to where I had told them to go. I explained that I can't do it out of anger, and that they learn that I expect obedience the first time I ask them to do something. These are things we can do as parents that demonstrate the character of God to our children. He follows through with His talk. He doesn't say something and then not do what He said He would do. He also doesn't lash out at us in anger (but nor does He condone our sin).

This is where a lot of good conversations happen-
sitting in the late afternoon shade, wherever a breeze is found.

As we wrapped up our talk, I explained to her that it wouldn't have been good for me to speak to my disobedient child right away (and in case you're wondering, they both received consequences because they both disobeyed, not just the one child who disobeyed more times), because I was feeling angry and would've spoken to her out of anger. But I essentially put her in a position of obedience (in other words, I didn't remain standing at a distance calling for her over and over and letting her get away with her disobedience), and let myself gain control of my emotions and thoughts before I spoke with her and corrected her.

As she left, she said thank you for the encouragement in parenting. And as I left, I couldn't help but laugh at how my children are ever present with us in this ministry... sometimes in ways I am not quite so proud of, but ways that He uses very strongly to demonstrate to the Tigak ladies that I am not perfect just because I am the 'white missionary', and to demonstrate to them that it is very possible and in fact tangible to raise up our children in His ways!

I dedicate this post to my darling daughters. While I appreciate your ministry, do please learn to obey the first time. ;) 

Cinderella Was a Liar

She knows it too. Just look at her face.
"These are unreasonable expectations!"
(here, a free coloring page for your kids)

Ok wait, before you throw out your hate speech, Cinderella has been my favorite Disney princess for many years.

But seriously... she was a liar.

It just simply is not possible to carry a loaded breakfast tray in each hand AND one on your head AND glide gracefully up a marble staircase in dress shoes. I'VE TRIED IT. And it just doesn't work. I am simply not enough to accomplish that feat.

To anyone who, like me, has applied the Cinderella analogy to their own life (i.e. "That's me! I'm Cinderella!"), it simply is unreasonable to put that much expectation on one 'normal', hormonal woman and count on it all being done so amazingly. So I call her bluff.






When I left the USA with my husband and kids to be a tribal church planter, I'm pretty sure that I had the expectation that I could not only 'do it all', but do it all AWESOMELY.

(Don't misunderstand- I'm not talking about "Spiritual Giant-hood" here. I am NO spiritual giant. I have a long way to go in becoming Christ-like, and like you, I have good days and bad days.)

But I thought that 'doing it all awesomely' was me simultaneously and daily being:

• a super wife
• a gentle, totally loving mama
• keeping my house spotless
• never again over-cooking chicken (this is my nemesis, folks. I need help.)
• being a wonderful friend
• putting in several hours of CLA each day
• doing extra homeschool activities (outside of the basic curriculum) (sorry girls. Someday when you read this, believe me that I'm genuinely sorry that I hate crafts. Isn't being an Unpinterest Mom a thing yet?)
• being out in the village every single day

As the months rolled by, I became increasingly overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and even guilty about what I had or hadn't accomplished in a day. 

Finally, as I felt myself breaking down emotionally, I brought it again before the Lord (yes, I had been bringing it before Him already) and asked Him, "But what if I can't be all that? Would my offering still be enough?" (i.e. ... if "all" I have to offer in a day is taking care of my house? Or "just" being a mom even though I'm here in the village? Or only having 30 minutes to work on CLA some days? Would that be enough?) 

Well, as I was pouring out my heart before Him, before I had even finished my question, the story from Scripture of the widow who offered the two mites as her offering came to my mind. Jesus told His disciples that this woman gave more than the others, for she had given all she had.

I believe the Lord was beyond gracious with me in that moment. In my heart, I immediately felt like He had given me an immediate answer, similar to the way that a young child begins to express a fear, but the loving parent understands the question before it's even been fully asked, and immediately embraces the child and says, "No, no, don't you even worry about that!" 

The second thing that came into my mind, immediately after the story of the widow giving her two mites, was His purpose for providing Eve as the wife for Adam. God created her and gave her the specific role and privilege of being Adam's "suitable helper". He made her perfectly for that task. And not only this, but in Ephesians, Paul reminds us that our marriages are really a picture of our relationship as believers with Jesus Christ, our bridegroom. So how could there be shame or guilt in taking the time to fulfill that role whole-heartedly? And not only being a wife, but being a mother to the children He has entrusted to us.

So is it enough, for the missionary wife and mom, to not on a daily basis attempt to offer everything on that (ridiculous) list above? Ok sure, some days I definitely have super-charged days and accomplish a ton off of that list really well! But the reality is that most days, I'm having a good day if I do one of them well. But I believe what He showed me from Scripture is that doing that one thing well is beautiful to Him. Plus, this is a lesson I'm trying so hard to teach my darling daughters, one of whom is becoming a "Tween" (LORD HELP!)... "Whatever you do, do it whole-heartedly, as if doing it for the Lord and not for men." If I don't believe it myself, it'll be much harder for me to teach it to my girls.

This does not mean He doesn't want me to learn and grow and excel at things. Not at all. And it doesn't mean I shouldn't work hard. There is urgency in the Gospel! And it's important as we raise our kids that they see us willing to work hard and make sacrifices because Christ alone is worth living and dying for. Also, it doesn't serve as some excuse to hole up in my house for days and weeks on end and never set foot into the village. Rather, it is my opportunity to MODEL what is so beautifully laid out for the woman after His own heart in Titus 2... Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, exhorts the older women (older in age or in spiritual maturity or sometimes both) to teach the younger women: 

to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the Word of God.

And yes, sometimes that means that I don't leave the house today. Sometimes it means I have only a few minutes to learn language. On the flipside, sometimes it means that we don't do a piano lesson because we need to spend some time in the village. But in each activity I do or don't do in a day, it's an opportunity to model the life lived in Christ. It's an opportunity to model doing each thing well, beautifully, and to do it as unto the Lord. I don't always do that well, but I believe that is the goal: to grow in these things, both to become more and more like Christ, and to model His love and grace to others.

So as for Cinderella... what a bunch of hogwash. Those are unrealistic expectations, guys. But I guess it wasn't a true story anyway.

How to Be There

"My dear friend, we are back in the ER. His symptoms got worse, and the MRI shows that his brain bleed has gotten bigger."

30 minutes later...

"They are getting ready to fly us to San Francisco for emergency brain surgery. Please pray."

One of the most difficult things about living overseas is not being able to be there for your family or your dearest friends, both in times of crisis, and in times of great joy*.

It was difficult to watch my dear friend go through a life-threatening situation with her husband, and not be there to help in any way. Not be there to sit by her. Not be there to get her a cup of coffee or force her to eat breakfast.

But sometimes physically 'being there' can be just as difficult- when your culture is so vastly different than the other person's.

"Well, your husband doesn't beat you, so..." (...so you can't know what I'm going through.)

Here in PNG, it is unfortunately all too common for men to beat their wives. And some of the believers still carry that struggle. The struggle between:

• what is 'normal' in many parts of PNG, and
• what God teaches us in His Word

And so it goes that some of the women that my coworker Aimee and I are here to disciple, carry the burden of being beaten by their husbands from time to time. 

How do I "be there" for a woman who is hesitant to open her ears because she knows that my husband does not beat me? 

These are just some of my recent thoughts and questions. If you were expecting an Ann Voskamp-style revelation at the end, well sorry, there isn't one. There are enough real** bloggers out there now to tickle our ears. How about the wannabe*** bloggers who just have questions? Do we have time as sisters in Christ to just ask questions of each other? 

Actually.... that's what it came down to for BOTH of the scenarios I shared today. Asking questions, and giving answers, and asking more questions, and giving more answers. Why does it come down to that? Because within that kind of open communication lies relationship. How? Because both asking questions and giving answers demonstrates that we are listening, not only with our ears, but with our hearts. Without communicating, relationship fizzles out into mere acquaintance. And there is usually very little trust between mere acquaintances. 

For my dear friend, she and I were able to send emails and texts back and forth throughout that week. She told me how much she cherished the communication we shared during her crisis. I had told her I was so sorry I couldn't 'be there', but she rebuked me saying, "No, you were SO there."

one of the Tigak ladies

For the women here in the tribe, the only way I can continue getting to know them is to ask questions, be a good listener, ask more questions from their answers, and seek the Lord's wisdom for when to ask questions and when to offer Biblical answers. In this way, I can 'be there' for them, even though we are so very different. Culturally, I may never be able to 'be there' for them they way one of their Tigak sisters in Christ can, because I am, in its simplest human form, a foreigner, and always will be. That's just a reality. But with good discipleship, it's a beautiful reality that the Tigak ladies will learn to love and pour into and be there for one another as sisters in Christ, spurring each other on to become more and more like Him.

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*There are VERY good and important reasons for missionaries to go home. Some life events are irreplaceable, and wisdom is always needed in knowing when to go home, and when to send a greeting.

**More than 10 followers

***Less than 10 followers, like me. Ha! But I'm not after followers, or being "known" as a 'blogger', just for the record.

In Brokenness

"He didn't wait for us to be cleaned up and living perfect lives first. No, He sent Jesus to die for us while we were still in the midst of our sin!"

A Tigak sister in Christ sat with me after church yesterday, and together we marveled at God's tremendous grace toward us. How in the midst of our sin and our brokenness was the exact, purposeful moment He chose to save us.

How incredibly freeing, that Jesus didn't ask me to clean up my act before saving me.

Likewise, He did not ask me to clean up my act before USING me. He didn't require me to 'get all my ducks in a row' and attain to some measure of perfection, and THEN He would be able to use me. Rather, He took me in my brokenness and delighted in me! That just blows me away.

Don't misunderstand me, there was work to be done first! In high school, I sat in my English class, knowing wholeheartedly that I wanted nothing in this life but to be a part of His mission, to tell those who had never heard the Gospel of grace. I told Him, "I'm ready to get on a plane and go. Now!" But He had wonderful plans for me then, just as He does now. Those wonderful plans sure sounded unwonderful at the time. But He had a lot of refining work to do in my heart, much growing and maturing, simple life experience, and incredibly valuable equipping. And it would be almost 15 years before I actually stepped into the life I wanted to be a part of back in high school.

Now again, don't misunderstand me! He was not waiting for me to become the epitome of loveliness and grace that women everywhere would marvel at and find themselves squinting at my halo as I waltzed around sweating life-giving water with my angelic children strolling daintily alongside me and always having a spotless home and gracing my every waking moment with insurmountable beauty as Scripture flowed off my tongue and fell upon eager ears like fragrant rose petals.

Oh for heaven's sake!  I am still the same struggling daughter of His now that I was then, wrestling to rest in my identity in Him versus what the world and the evil one try to convince me of. Unsure many times how to interact with people in ways that are relatable. Fighting the perpetual mountain of dirty dishes, reeeeeeeeally dirty clothes, piles of termite residue and roach poop and spider webs (*no, I haven't made any progress in this area, thanks for asking) and ant trails that are really just a 'front' for the fact that our house is most likely held up entirely by ant hills. Longing to be 'Mother Goose' mama to my darling daughters but wishing so many times I had better control of my emotions and my (dare I say it?) tongue. Wanting to be the 'Proverbs 31 wife' but knowing I'm still in my early 30's and have a long way to go since that woman was probably much older than I and I will probably be much older than she was if that can EVER be said of me, and I also don't know much about merchant ships. Asking Him to produce the fruits of the Spirit in me since 'for some reason' I still cannot produce them on my own. Still being surprised and disappointed that I don't always have 'the right word of wisdom' to give to a sister in Christ, here in Tigak or back home, when a need arises, and wondering if that is my negligence to be in His Word and in fellowship with Him enough, or if He simply doesn't need me to be the one to always give the answers on the spot.
[Sidenote to young people considering missions: 1) Becoming a missionary will not make you holier. 2) Moving overseas will not make your struggles magically disappear. 3) There is no such thing as 'holy sweat'. Please pack deodorant.]

But in all of this...
All of this asking and longing and searching and wrestling...
I see Him not asking me to be the face of perfection. Frankly, that would be no good for these beautiful Tigak ladies. If He ever wanted something from me, it is that I would be pointing only to Him, who alone is the face of perfection. It is that my life would be the fragrance of Christ Himself. Jesus' disciples did not say, "Follow me, for I've got it all together." No no no. Just no. They said, "Follow me*, for I follow Christ!"

(*me = me in all of my human-ness, weakness, 'not-enough-ness')

And seriously, guys, we have experienced so many moments when folks here have considered that we 'white-skins' do indeed "have it all together", whether that be spiritually or financially or... (the list could go on). We MUST point to Him in everything we do. Is He the reason behind everything we do? If not, we have some re-evaluating to do.

He didn't ask me to be perfect before He was willing to use me. He asked me to be faithful. And He asks me to give Him the glory. How do I do that? By pointing to Him in all things. How so? By willingly sharing my weaknesses and struggles and my brokenness with those He has put in my path.

You know what the irony is in all of this?

It is FREEING. I think we sometimes get stuck thinking that our brokenness is crippling. Our shortcomings and weaknesses then keep us from moving and living and being effective. I have had more than enough moments of such thinking. But when I took a step back and looked at the big picture of what He is doing in me and in this world, my perspective changed. I no longer felt a slave to my brokenness and shortcomings. I felt free to use them for His glory! Oh and what a deep sigh of relief and joy there is when we can come to that place.

It's not that I rejoice THAT I am broken. And in all of this we're not talking about rejoicing over sin. No, but I rejoice that "He is" in the midst of my "I am not". And what blows my mind is that He is not ashamed to use me. In 2 Corinthians 4, Paul says that "we have this treasure in jars of clay (or 'earthen vessels'), to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." With all of my cracks and crevices, and chips and stains and flaws, and times when I fought against His best for me, and times when I thought I had what I needed apart from Him, and times when I felt like a useless vessel because my 'world' was falling apart (oh how blind)...
In all of those things and despite them, He is not ashamed of me, because of Jesus Christ! And He wants to use me in my brokenness, and He wants to actually use my brokenness to meet others in theirs. TODAY. Not tomorrow, after I've straightened some more things out. Today. Now.

Comfort of the Ground

Most revelations come through hindsight.

I feel like a couple days ago I 'woke up' and my comfort level when walking around the village has increased! In this context, when a group of people are sitting around talking, if you walk by, they don't invite you to come sit down with them. You have to invite yourself, or simply walk in and sit down with them. But they're generally glad you did! (And if they're not, they will start making excuses one by one why they need to leave, until you're the last one sitting there, haha!)

Anyway, I'm glad that I am starting to feel more comfortable here. Time has begun to pave a path of relationships, and of understanding who people are, what they're about, and what they believe. This gives me SO much more joy as I leave my house and walk around in the village.

Choosing to take time for relationships with people creates these bonds. Asking and answering questions keeps conversation going and strengthens the relationship. 

Sometimes it's difficult for me to choose to take time for relationships. Sometimes my eyes get overly distracted by housework, or the back of my eyelids, pride, insecurity, or simply my own selfish agenda. There are things like that, (especially housework, amen?) that will ALWAYS be before me. But relationships are not automatically there to greet me like a sink of dirty dishes is. In contrast, relationships take effort to be strong and fruitful. They take me denying myself and my agenda. And they take me thinking of the other person in the way that Christ thinks of them. I don't believe He has me here on this earth to ignore people, or to walk alongside sisters in Christ at a surface level. It's much more comfortable to do that, though! Especially with a language and culture barrier, let me tell you!

But the comfort of this ground is not what He desires for me. In fact, I think it's pretty clear throughout Scripture that comfort on this ground was never His plan or intention for His children. Looking toward our heavenly Home is His desire- which is looking toward Christ. And there we have it again in its purest form: relationships.

The comfort I'm starting to experience here in Tigak has NOTHING to do with my house, with the weather (ha!), with the bugs, with the lifestyle... not. at. all. It has EVERYTHING to do with the building of relationships. 

Now I don't know, but I'm guessing that when Jesus was born on that day we now remember as 'Christmas day", I'm pretty sure He didn't wake up in that feeding trough (and its remarkable, high-class context) and think, "Ah, how great is THIS!!" It wasn't about the comfort of this ground, it was about His goal, His mission- relationships.

And so it is my hope and my endeavor to learn and choose daily to be relational. I have the chance everyday to love others in how I communicate and relate to them. I can take that- OR I can leave that. It's up to me, each and every day.

Merry Christmas! Let's go and be intentional to build relationships:
~ with believers, to strengthen each other in the faith and give each other joy (as 1 John says)
~ and with unbelievers, that we may understand their belief system so that we may truly know how to share the gospel of grace with them

Our girls with some friends from another tribe.
Relationships are just as important for MK's!
Did you know you and/or your kids can write to Naya and Jocie?
You can send letters in the mail, OR through Maily,
a safe and free kids' email program. Ask us about it!

When Christ is Not Enough

If the title of this blog post alone doesn't cut your heart...

Imagine for a moment that a woman in your church has a seriously sick relative, but instead of taking him to the hospital, she takes him to go see a witchdoctor. This yields no results, but she continues this practice, because many in the community are saying that his sickness was caused by 'black magic'. And he gets sicker and sicker by the day...

What do you think caused this woman, who you believe is a born-again believer, to make such choices? Does she believe that Christ is not enough? That He does not have the power to heal her relative?**

Why do we, at times, live as though Christ is not enough?

Is He insufficient in any way? Think through every area of your life. In what ways Has he fallen short? And if you are believing this, where are you taking your burdens?

When you ask Him for something, and He chooses to answer with a 'no' for the result you were hoping for... does that mean that He failed you? Does that mean He is not enough for your satisfaction and for your joy?

...His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness..

...for in Him we live and move and have our being...

---and He is able to make all grace abound to you...

...He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together...

...with thanksgiving, present your requests to God...

...for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses...

What would you say to a sister in Christ who is leaning on things of the world or of the evil one, rather than on Christ?

Please join me in praying for this sister in Christ, and for her relative whose health is deteriorating each week.

**from Scripture, we know fully that indeed He has the power to heal physical ailments. What we also know is that He does not promise to do so. His ways are not are ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. But we are freely invited to confidently lay our requests before Him, believing that He has all power and authority, and that He cares deeply for us- that He may receive the glory. And so we ought to. Amen?

Brooms ~ Part 4

Disclaimer: This is NOT a photography blog. Do not expect great photos! (For added effect, one of the photos below is even blurry! Just trying to be consistent...)

This post is simply to update you... if you go ALL the way back to the original Brooms post, you will read at the very end a little idea that I had, to write YOUR names on my broom handle. By doing this, I would be reminded of YOU, and pray for YOU as I went about my daily responsibilities.

I'm here to tell you that I have now done this, and it is one of the BEST "little things" I have ever done! Why?

1. It reminds me of your beautiful faces, each of whom I miss very much.
2. It reminds me that we are all in this together, as moms raising our little ones in the mist of becoming like Christ (and all the joys and sorrows that these endeavors bring, thank you Holy Spirit!).
3. It engages my heart and mind in a VERY good way - instead of feeling grumpy or discontent, it gives me the opportunity to think of you and pray for YOU. And in some cases, reminds me that I haven't written to you in a long time.
4. It reminds me of your darling children, and how precious their friendship is to MY children.
5. It simply makes sweeping a happier task.

In the photos, you can see a few names, but as you will notice, I decided to write them 'randomly', encompassing the handle. No matter how I am holding the broom, I see names of my fellow moms/friends to think of and pray for. I have at least 20 names, and I add more whenever I think of it!

Ladies... I couldn't recommend this more! It's been SUCH an encouragement already! (I bet you crafty types would make yours even cuter, too. You can make me my next one after I break this one killing spiders.)

So get your Sharpie out and do it! :)

Also, I love and miss you all.

"Now I Understand!"

"It's NOT because you are whiteskins!"

She went on to say, "I've been looking at both of you missionary families, and the missionary family that was here before, and I have always thought what I've seen is so nice. I have always thought it was because you are whiteskins, but reading this talk, now I understand! It's because you are following God's talk."

We've been studying through Ephesians (more of an overview) with the Tigak believers for the last few months. For most, this is their first time reading these powerful and precious words. This past couple weeks, the Scripture discussed was about husbands loving their wives, wives respecting their husbands, children obeying their parents, and fathers not exasperating their children. Powerful, powerful stuff!

Listening to their testimonies filled me with joy, and the Lord used their words to remind me that He has a huge purpose for us here.

Some of the ladies told us how thankful they are to God for giving us these words, as they haven't really known how to parent their children (or raise their grandchildren, in some cases), especially not in a Biblical way.

Regarding the responsibilities God has given to husbands and wives, here were some of the testimonies the ladies shared:

• "I have treated my husband badly. I am the worst woman ever. I'm so thankful to have this talk so I can learn to respect my husband."

• "It's true... (tears)... I don't respect my husband."

• "I'm so thankful to God for giving us this talk. This will help all of us! Thank you, God!"

And one man shared this testimony on two separate occasions:

• "I have struggled to love my wife. I've been hearing this talk for years in English (in Tok Pisin, the national/trade language), but now I am hearing it in my own Tok Ples (tribal/local language) and finally it is speaking into my life."

If you are like me, you've been blessed to have the whole Word of God in your own language for your entire life. Your grandparents and parents may have even modeled Biblical marriage and Biblical parenting for you, and now you are following it because you have His Word in your heart.

Imagine for a moment, as you look at the pictures below, that you are hearing it for the first time!

Would you stop for a moment and pray for these sisters of yours in Christ? Pray also for your brothers in Him. Think with me - Christ said "I will build My Church." That's incredibly exciting, isn't it? Join me in asking Him to strengthen in maturity the current believers. This growth and maturity will allow them to be self-sustaining, to love one another (fellow believers, marriages, families, etc), and ultimately to expand the Gospel to the thousands of Tigak speakers scattered throughout this region of the world!

Not Your Typical Ladies Outing...

A few weeks ago, I enjoyed spending a full day with some lovely sisters in Christ here in Tigak!

The believers here are making preparations for a gathering of believers from several different language groups, and one of those preparations is to weave sleeping mats.

There is a special kind of leaf they like to use to weave these sleeping mats, called "bungut". These kinds of trees do not grow where we live, so we traveled to a different location and into the bush to find them. We left first thing in the morning, and spent the whole day searching for, cutting, tying in heaps, and carrying these leaves back to the boat.

Click on the link below to enjoy a peek at our ladies day finding bungut!

 https://vimeo.com/134807193

*As a side-note... after we returned home late that afternoon, I promptly showered and zombie-walked my way to my bed for a nap, utterly exhausted. The Tigak ladies, however, proceeded to sit up for several more hours removing thorns from all the leaves. These are some strong women! :) (Yes, we all have strength in different ways.)

Stretched Thin

It's been nearly 4 weeks with no rain.

Almost every water tank on the island is empty. Coconut and banana trees are turning brown and brittle. And I think I just saw Will Smith running through the jungle...

For well over a week now we (missionaries) have all been hauling water from various wells around the island, as the people have been willing to share with us. We haul the water for flushing and for washing our clothes. We are thankful to have enough fresh water left for drinking, especially as we are hosting our two work guys! What an interesting experience for THEM in particular!


As we have been constantly praying for rain, a good friend of ours, Cathy, sent some inspiring words. Let me share them with you:

An excerpt from Daily Bread titled "Desert Places"

 ...How delightful to read Isaiah 48-49 and hear His answer: They weren't thirsty when He led them through the deserts...There'll be foodstands along all the roads, picnics on all the hills - nobody hungry, nobody thirsty, shade from the sun, shelter from the wind, for The Compassionate One guides them, takes them to the best springs."

While the Scripture quoted above is about God's restoration of Israel, it is true that as His children, grafted in to His own family, we can stand confidently knowing that He does and will indeed provide for us (His children of every nation, tribe, and tongue!).

I find it important, and easy to overlook, that the passage says "when He led them through the deserts". During their time of stretching, He was leading them. Jesus said something similar, "...in this world you will have trouble..." As children of God, we are not exempt from hardship. In times when it is much easier to see this, we can give our hearts over to worry and anxiety, or we can turn our eyes to Him.

"What would you have me do?" and "Who are you in the midst of this?" are some great questions to be asking as we try our hardest to stretch the remaining water we have. We would like to encourage our Tigak brothers and sisters in this as well.

"I'm feeling really stretched", Noe said yesterday, in reference to the work project. Doing a project like this in a remote location is a whole different pig* than doing such work in our home country. 

As I walked away, I was wondering in my talk with the Lord why He would allow Noe to be feeling stretched when we are already feeling stretched thin. I wonder why He brings us to those places/seasons when our resources (physical, emotional, spiritual) are scant. Especially when we are 'supposed to be ministering' to others! 

I definitely don't know all of His reasoning. But I do believe that part of the answer is so that we will choose to fix our eyes on Him and let Him fill us, similarly to His own words to the woman at the well. She sought water to drink, but He explained to her that more important than that was the water He gives, welling up to eternal life. It reminds us that we are here on this earth for His purpose. He made His purpose clear as a fresh bottle of Aquafina- "Go and make disciples of all nations..." He didn't call His disciples to invest themselves in things of this earth. He called His disciples to offer that eternal-life-giving water. 

I believe another reason He leads us through these 'deserts' is so that we are given tangible ways to relate to the unbelievers around us. Just like any big crisis anywhere in the world, it has a strange way of drawing people together. We seek these opportunities to empathize with those around us, and see how the Lord would use us to help come up with wise solutions.

Having this focus helps me not be anxious and distressed during a time of being stretched. Rather, it helps me to look into His eyes, and to do so arm-in-arm with my brothers and sisters in Him.

*Bear was the word of choice, but there is yet to be a bear sighting here...pig is much more culturally relevant.

If you want rain, do your laundry!

It never fails.

Bright, sunny morning, sweat dripping down her neck...

"It's a PERFECT day to do laundry", she exclaims with dull excitement!

So after the generator is turned on, she holds her breath and scoops all the mildew-laden clothes into the machine with haste.

After the faux earthquake in the house caused by the spin cycle, she declares "Recess!" to the homeschooling children, goes out to turn off the generator, and hangs up all the laundry in the bright, hot, damp sun.

After lunch, she hears a rumble in the distance... after a hidden sigh, she peeks reluctantly out the window at the sky. Sure enough, dark gray clouds rolling in. As it begins to sprinkle, and then pour, she darts out onto the porch to see if any of the clothes are dry yet. Nope. And on rainy days, clothes just will not dry. In fact, if they have dried completely before it rains, as soon as it rains, if they are still hanging up outside, they are guaranteed to be damp again for the rest of the day. Aw, nuts!

---

I kid you not, this has happened several times, both during bush orientation, and since we moved here. I've had successful laundry days. But I'm close to warning my co-workers, "I'm doing laundry this morning, so it's going to rain later!"

After a brief nap in the afternoon, I sat with my reheated (on the stove) cup of coffee and my Beth Moore Bible study ("Esther"), and listened to the pouring tropical rain, and the children and teenagers outside bathing from the overflow of our water tank and the waterfalls from the roof corners. I thought about how incredibly thankful they are for the rain. So are we! It's the only source of drinking water and freshwater available here. Their community water tanks run dry if it goes 2-3 weeks with no rain. The rain brings opportunity to become clean and hydrated. Healthy. And I daresay, happy, for the people here especially! Oh and lest I forget, it also makes it cooler. We're talking mid-80's instead of mid-90's. Awesome.

You know, I don't really like hanging up our clothes for others to see. I'm a more private, reserved individual. But if I don't, mold will grow on them. The stink will remain. Big fuzzy brown spiders and centipedes will find soft new hiding places. But simply letting go of my pride and putting up each piece to dry in the musky, fishy, damp, tropical fresh air provides health, happiness, and cleanness.

I still struggle with a lot of pride. Moving doesn't change any of that. If any of you dream about "if only I could just move to a remote island in the tropics, I could escape so many of these sin issues that I encounter daily with myself, my family, my friends, my work, my culture, the media, etc..." ... well I'm here to tell you, NO!! Don't deceive yourself. The human heart does not change based on earthly conditions. No, it is the Lord Jesus Christ who can change the human heart. He does not force this change, He offers it to us.

As I offer more of myself to Him, the more He is showing me that He wants me to sweep every corner of the house (my heart) and allow Him to get rid of the ugliness and filth in myself and replace it with His perfect goodness and beauty. He wants me to wash and hang up every piece of laundry and allow Him to transform me more and more into His image- joyful, pure of heart, and set apart unto Him.

Let's invite Him into each moment of our lives, to wash us and cleanse us with the pure water of His Word, as we read in Ephesians. To let His 'rain' fall on us and purify us. Not for our own glory, but for His.

Best Friday EVER!

Giant water slide!

Kids' Bingo!

Fun with friends!

Ice cream social!

I have no hesitation in imagining that today, Friday, was perhaps the 'best Friday EVER' for my kids!

I sat on our porch as the sunlight began to fade, watching my girls on the playground giggling and chasing and punching each other (yes). And I sure smiled, seeing them have such a blast with each other and with many of the friends they've met here, all these fellow missionary kids. What a blessing!

Meanwhile, the other side of my brain kept repeating again and again some lyrics we sang at the Good Friday service this morning,

"Oh to see the dawn of the darkest day- Christ on the road to Calvary..."

And I looked around me at all the people we've come to know in these last couple months, these co-laborers in this amazing work, this new 'family' that we share bread and wine with in remembrance of Him.

"What a strange place I am in," I thought to myself.

And it is all because of this day, this Friday. This amazing, horrible, AND best Friday ever.
The Friday that we remember that God always keeps His promises.
The Friday when Jesus crushed the head of Satan.
The Friday when Christ took the curse of sin upon Himself, thereby saving sinful you and sinful me simply by our belief in Him and what He has done!
The Friday that gave meaning to the Friday we enjoyed today- meeting together to reflect and remember His death, sing songs of worship and praise to Him, and fellowship together as family.

The Friday that is why I am in a strange place today. And on this Friday, as I looked across the valley at the hills and mountains, knowing that in this land alone there are over 800 language groups... THIS is why I am in a strange place. This is why I am savoring fellowship with these other believers. All of these precious ones who have left their homes, families, belongings, and countries. Why? Because hundreds of these language groups still have not heard a clear gospel. (Oh yes, some have heard a 'gospel', but not the true gospel.)

And so we too have left our home, our families, our belongings, and our country. Why? Because Christ said shortly before His death, "...I will build My Church." And so we join Him. We join Him because He is worthy. We join Him, the Worthy One, in His most worthy 'cause'. Building His Church. We do not build it, but He uses us as vessels as He builds it. And because He is the One building it, we know that "the gates of hell will not prevail against it."

He is Worthy. On this Friday, this good good, oh so good Friday... He is Worthy.

We are way over here in this 'strange' land as a family, to bring Him to those who have not yet heard and understood- because He is Worthy. May we not forget it. 

You are in your place- your home, your work, your family, your every detail- because He is Worthy. May you not forget it.

Yes, Naya and Jocie... this is indeed the 'Best Friday EVER'. He is Worthy! He is Worthy Indeed!

Brooms ~ Part 3

Those of you who have been following my blog for awhile now will find the following significant:

My (new) co-worker asked me the other day, "Could you please buy a broom for your house?"

That's right.

A broom!

Not a mop. Not a bucket. Not a set of dishes. Not a bed. Not anything except for the one household item I've blogged about that has been the source of much contemplation and reflection- a broom.

I don't find it a coincidence at all! In fact,  I almost look at it as a huge (and slightly humorous) confirmation for my female heart that we are headed exactly where He planned for us to go, long before I even blogged about brooms. It's almost another "I am with you!" from the Lord.

You see, we are moving into an existing work. We will be the third missionary family to move into this little house. Because of that, the house is reasonably equipped with some kitchen and household supplies. Not everything, as some things have deteriorated, been sold, been passed around, or disappeared over the last decade. So we are bringing some things with us, yes. But one of the things that disappeared recently was my co-worker's broom! While they were recently on home assignment in the states (furlough), their broom 'picked up and walked away'. (Theft is a sad and sadly common reality in this location, and many other tribal locations.) So after they returned to the tribe, she needed a broom, and there was a decent one in the empty house (soon to be OUR house), so she is now using that one. This is what led her to ask me to buy a broom.

I did smile when I read her request, and I'm happy to buy a broom. I believe it speaks to my heart at just the right time. The work we are joining has a clear role for my husband- discipleship of men. My role is not AS crystal clear anymore - I simply mean in comparison with our initial thought of starting from 'ground zero' in a new church planting work. I had imagined and become prepared for teaching literacy, being involved in initial translation, and being ready to disciple new believers. While some of that is definitely still an option and a need, going into an existing work changes the details. Literacy may or may not be a need for some time. Translation is still needed, but it is well underway by one of our co-workers. I will hopefully have the opportunity to disciple new believing ladies, but there are several current believing ladies who are now being discipled by our other co-worker. I will be able to join in once we've learned the language. But it all sure looks a bit different than I had anticipated!

Sometimes after I've been sweeping for awhile, the broom collects all sorts of hair and fuzzies, and doesn't sweep as sharply as I'd like it to. And sometimes that causes me to wonder if I'm accomplishing anything, or if I should just let someone else do the job. But I know that the Lord doesn't look at anyone else's work as He looks at mine. He's not 'up there' comparing me with the next woman and her broom. His eyes are ever on ME when He looks at ME. We are the ones who compare against each other. If my path or my role in church planting seems full of fuzzies to me, it's a clear reminder to me to fix my eyes sharply on Him, the One who has marked out my path before me. It is HE who will build His church, not me. I am simply called to be faithful. I am called to build into my marriage with lasting materials. I am called to parent my children with lasting materials. I am called to invest in others with lasting materials. His goal for me is not that I "accomplish", but that I know Him intimately so that He Himself can overflow out of me.

I am not sure in what specific ways He will use me. But I am sure that He will use me. And I am even more sure that He wants me to know Him. And so I will throw away the hair and fuzzies at the end of the broom, those discouraging doubt-blobs, and keep moving forward in knowing and loving Him each day, trusting that He will make the path clear before me in His perfect way and timing. ... I wouldn't be surprised if much of it is hindsight, turning around to see a beautiful, well-kept reflection of the King. "And you thought all that sweeping each day was worthless?!"

(...and yes, I will be putting names on the handle of my broom, as I mentioned before. I'm excited for the extra reminder to pray for you and think of you!)

He Does Not Set Us Aside

I think I've been mistaken.

For as long as I can recall my heart being captivated by Christ and compelled to be involved in 'missions' (His mission), I've understood it to be a sacrificial lifestyle that consists of:

-Letting go of my rights

-The laying down of my life

-Giving up my earthly desires

-Setting myself aside

But as the Lord has led our hearts gently and gracefully toward this one specific church planting work, I've discovered something that took me by surprise. I've discovered that in the midst of us uprooting our family and moving across the world to pursue people that His heart longs for, He has all the while been pursuing ME.

Now I'm sure you can relate- there are times in my life when I have felt set aside. That is a tremendously painful feeling. But as I've traveled this road of 'missions', I resigned myself to willingly set myself aside for the sake of the Gospel. And I was ok with that! I think that in my mind, I settled quite contentedly with the idea that I was setting myself aside… and that God Himself also was 'setting me aside' so that He can do His work through me as a vessel, an instrument, a tool. Now I didn't view this as a bad thing. And maybe it shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing. But I'm not convinced anymore that it is a complete picture of how He uses us. It certainly doesn't reflect how deeply He treasures us, does it?

I believe I missed something very important that Jesus said to His disciples. He said "Whoever loses his life for My sake will FIND it."

Find it? Ok. Wow. He did NOT say that 'whoever loses his life for My sake will (simply) lose it.' Maybe this 'finding' of the life we have lost for His sake points us directly back to our Father's heart. And maybe this 'finding' of our life does not mean that we have to search for it, but rather that we find out that He has already found us. We let go of our life and place it in His hands, and it is in that moment that we find it again- right there in His hands. Not on a shelf in the upper corner. Right in His hands!

This loss of life is not a place of emptiness, but a place of deepest fullness. It not a place void of feeling, but it is a place where our heart wrenches in a joyful pain at the realization of how fully He loves and treasures us each day. (I think John Mark McMillan captured this joyfully painful realization well in his song "How He Loves".) This losing of life does not mean that ours does not count any longer- now it simply counts for more than just breathing and surviving day in and day out.

I am finding that in the very losing of my life for His sake, He is not in fact setting me aside. He is not simply using me for the sake of others, to then treasure me later. No! I am His daughter, and He treasures me NOW. Today. Yes He will use me as a vessel, but more importantly He delights and sings over each one of His vessels. How can I forget the principles of His Word that I've so delighted to share with others, about the Father's longing for you and I as His children to be conformed to the image of His Son? He does not set me aside, nor does He set aside His purpose for me in this life.

I think as we have charged ahead into this lifestyle of overseas missionary work, I have forgotten that He also values ME and desires to mold and shape MY heart on a daily basis. I was ok to set myself aside. But He is not like me. And His thoughts are not my thoughts. He does not set His children aside. As I have moved forward in serving Him, He has stopped me in my tracks to remind me that He cares for me and desires to ever deepen my relationship with Himself. (After all, a hungry sheep cannot serve well. We must feast on Him so that we will have strength to serve. We must know His voice intimately, so that we can guide others to Him.)

I am overwhelmed that He does not set me aside. I was mistaken. But now I know. And my heart is glad!

And SO… as we prepare now to move into this tribe and learn the language and embrace the privilege we are being given to come alongside these believers, I have been experiencing deeper and deeper communion with Him, and am reminded afresh (yes, "afresh"…clearly I watched a British period drama recently…) that His desire for ME is the same as His desire for any other believer from any other nation- that I would love Him and know Him, and that ultimately He will conform me into the image of Christ, His dear Son, my Savior. He has purposefully marked out this specific plan for me so that He can nurture me through each and every step. And likewise for you.

What are you stepping into today? Do you feel 'set aside', whether by people, or by painful circumstances in your life? By God? Look again, into His face, into His Word. Take His hands and look into them, and find there your life, hidden in Christ! He does not set us aside.